Note: This post is dedicated to my Aunt Kimmy and her fantastic chubby-Ed-Sheeran-looking husband, Uncle Nathan. They are the sweetest, nerdiest couple I know and a personal inspiration for me in my nerdy relationship. Truthfully, I knew ever since this class started that I would dedicate a post to them and their proclamation, so please enjoy the rant down below...
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When I was born, my aunt, Aunt Kimmy, was only about 10 years-old. Since then, she received more nieces and nephews, and I always pictured her as a fantastic, goofy mom as part of her future. Dealing with children of all levels of brattiness was ingrained in her upbringing, and I believed that if anyone could be a master of parenthood, it was my Aunt Kimmy.
...On May 18th, 2019, Kim, with Nathan's support, proclaimed unto the ears of their Facebook friends: "A while back... we made the very personal decision to not have children." Then she goes on to state, "It's nobody's business why or how we came to that decision. That being said, I get asked a lot about if we have any kids, when we're going to have kids, why don't we have kids, etc."
She then goes on to explain encounters she had about this subject. Sometimes the question are perfectly OK, just a friendly, "Hey, do you have any kids?... Oh, no kids? How about pets?" Nothing invasive, nothing rude, nothing uncomfortable, and totally accepting! But then Kim relayed this story of this old-fashioned (AKA old and rude) man who asked if Kim had any kids. When she answered no, Kim said, "he proceeded to ask my mother (didn't even bother to ask me) how long I had been married," which was 6 years at the time. Then this guy was just dumbfounded - thought it was unbelievable that Kim was married for that long and hadn't provided her mother with any grandchildren!!
As my aunt would go on to say in her Facebook post, what if my aunt was actually struggling to have kids at the time? What if she suffered miscarriages? What if she was battling depression over a lack of fertility? What if she had gone through hormone treatment after hormone treatment to no avail??
Could you imagine Ali Wong's reaction if someone scoffed at her and said, "Wow, why haven't you provided your husband with any kids yet," after she had suffered a miscarriage?? Actually, I can imagine it - she would be both heartbroken and FURIOUS for them asking!
Plus, this is such a problem for women since some people assume women are made just to populate the future generations. I'm sure my aunt is thinking this, too - it's almost like women have failed as women if they don't have kids. Uh, truth bomb: no one thinks men failed if they don't have kids because you can achieve success and leave a legacy without any kids trailing behind you!
Anyways, the moral of this story: no one has a right to ask invasive questions or presume they're involved in your decision/situation regarding children. If their uterus isn't holding the child or their dick didn't do the deed (or their semen - I don't even know, I'm getting embarrassed, don't judge my rant), then their opinion is invalid. Let me say it again: unless your opinion is requested, I am uninterested (#sickrhymes). Stay out of these personal situations, be sensitive to what other people could be going through, and mind your own dang business - it's not that hard. At the end of the day, whether people have kids or don't have kids, who cares? Besides, less kids mean less people eating away at our planet and more resources for the rest of us. :)
...So, yeah. Save this post for your parents and family when they start getting invasive one day. Because, let's be real, if my mom wants to play with a baby and change diapers again so badly, she can go get herself pregnant all over again (#FatheroftheBride2).
Thank you for listening to this Ted Talk. ;)
Just reading this made me clench my jaw in anger. My first question: why does he think he has any right to start asking very personal things about this woman and her relationship (with a man that is Not Him) in the first place? Second: this is an issue that is so important to talk about! It happens all the time, both to us pleb West Virginian women as well as to famous comedians, such as Ali Wong. And, like you say, what if this woman had been suffering from infertility/miscarriages/etc.? This interrogation would be so intensely triggering and guilt-inducing! Thank you for talking about this, because it must stop and there is no way it will (at least not anytime soon) unless we continue to make it a part of the conversation.
ReplyDeleteI think this post is so important to the discussion of women's rights. Women are so commonly seen as just the means to a new generation, and no one seems to take into account the fact that some women don't want kids. It all comes back to the need for pro-choice laws, and individuality with no generalizations. I'm still trying to decide if I want kids. I've been surrounded by kids (younger siblings, neighbor's kids I babysit for) my whole life, and I must admit that I'm so tired of having to take care of kids endlessly. Every woman should have the right to make the decision to have kids or not.
ReplyDeleteHolly, I, like Vivienne, agree that this post is so crucial for establishing a voice for women's rights! I can relate to your Aunt! When I had mentioned to my parents that I didn't know if i wanted to have kids, because I didn't it would be fair to bring them into this world with the genetic mental issues I have. I was then told I was being selfish by some family members and I couldn't understand why they couldn't just say okay and stay out of my business, but instead they said, "you'll change your mind!" LIKE MA'AM! You don't know that! But, anyways, great job!
ReplyDelete“(#sickrhymes)” made me laugh!
ReplyDeleteIt really puts into perspective too how this is dynamic has evolved since people's business is all over the internet. In the past, this drama was just word of mouth, but now that everyone can see it, all the more reason to spread gossip or hide behind the screen with a nasty, not-asked-for comment.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your Aunt and Uncles story! It is inspirational to hear about women who are not receiving backlash for not having kids. I am one to break out of traditional norms, and I know that the backlash from my family would be crazy. Gives me lots of hope.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe that old guy had the audacity to treat your aunt that way! As if she OWES it to her mother to provide grandchildren. It soooo does not work like that. I'm angry for her and I don't even know her. I'm glad you shared your story. However, I think it's really sad that she even had to address the situation. If you don't want to have kids you should be able to do so, without announcing it to the world, so people stop asking you questions about it.
ReplyDeleteThis post makes me so sad for all the women that have to hear this on the daily while trying to conceive. I have a friend that is currently on her sixth pregnancy via IVF who only has one living child. She has had 5 miscarriages. She recently posted on Facebook asking people to kindly stop asking her why she doesn't "just adopt." Everyone's journey is different and it is so disheartening how insensitive some people can be when it comes to that.
ReplyDelete