Words I Couldn't Speak to You

As we spoke in class more than once this week relating to Wong and her differences in writing vs. talking in front of audiences, and how different situations may call for one rather than another. I think it's important to bring up the subject of verbal communication verses written communication, such as letters.

I've written letters before for academic purposes (e.g. college and scholarship applications, etc.) but had always struggled putting my feelings into words with such significant meaning to someone else. Of course I have written and sent cards to others, but they were already pre-written with cheesy quotes or sayings for various things and there hadn't been much room to write anything else other than "Sincerely, ____" and small added sentences such as "You're amazing, keep your head up, dude.", "Happy Birthday/Holidays", the list goes on.

Back to my point, recently, I went through what has been the most hurtful and agonizing break-up experience yet. Why? The guy I had been seeing was sensitive, sincere, caring, involved and did SO much with me no one else had EVER done, he even drove me up and back from goalball practice, met my teammates and even helped out during practice learning more about how the game works.

This relationship had been different than the others, in a good way for both of us. It was our first non-toxic experience in a relationship.

He was the first guy that hadn't steered me wrong, cheated or ghosted me. I was the first girl to care, show just as much effort and love back, want to meet his friends/parents, etc.

I know, I know WHAT THE FUCK, right? Yeah. 

Now, before you get too upset, you should know this (and we'll just call him "Maryland Boy") is such an amazing person. I've not said that about ANY of my exes before, so trust me when I say Maryland Boy is a good one.

Of course  the other situations I had experiences with did hurt, but not near as much as this one had. This was truthfully the first time I had felt truly bliss, comfortable, safe and confident with someone else by my side.

The day he brought it to my attention about breaking-up, not only was HE crying, but he was crying because he didn't want to hurt or lose me being a part of his life, that he just needed time. Read that again. I'm emphasizing on this because it to this day makes me smile and shed a few tears. This is what cracked the glass jar inside my body and leaked a waterfall of tears and mixed emotions for days on end. This is what helped me write my first letter.

I'm not going to go into major details obviously, we are still friends which makes me incredibly happy. We had been best friends, also something I had never had before until I met him. I didn't have a "bestie" who I also wanted to spend forever with.

Anyway, I had been attempting for DAYS to organize and grasp everything that had been going on aside from this, talking to him over the phone about what could have possibly gone wrong as we both reassured and clarified some things to one another, to get more insight without being so upset.

Talking to Maryland Boy about what went down helped me tremendously, it helped reassure me that I did nothing wrong, as he kept trying to tell me.

It had helped clarify that this didn't have to be the end, that flowers need time to grow, just as people do. This helped me realize, maybe it was time to put my (at the time) early Valentines Day poem to further use. I. WAS. SO. NERVOUS. I didn't want Maryland Boy to think I was begging for his love or attention, because (and let me clarify) I was not.

A week or so went by and I had bought a card, you know those cheesy/cute Valentine's Day cards, but not one of those lovey-dovey sappy cards, because I (1 wasn't desperate and (2 wanted it to mean something without it seeming weird or mushy - well, you get the point.

So, after writing what I wanted to say in the card, I began writing a letter. The letter consisted of things I had been putting together in a poem for Maryland Boy, but had to re-arrange slightly. I didn't change a lot of what I had originally said because it was all so raw and true, and was obviously still relevant to me in the relationship between us. I wanted to continue telling him how I truly felt, in a way I just had been unable to do verbally.

This letter was hand written on notebook paper with a pen, it was then folded and stuck together with stickers and put into an envelope with the card. It was about four notebook pages long, two if you don't count that it was written double sided. I'm old fashioned, my grandmother used to do it all the time and I love to write, it's so meaningful to me.

This aside, the day Maryland Boy could finally come pick up the envelope I was so happy that he'd finally be reading what I had wrote, but I was so nervous because I had never done this before and it took so much of what was left of my mental energy to write.

Maryland Boy read the letter the next day and his response to what I had written gave me this utter sense of relief and happiness, like I had just made someone else's life a little better and the nervousness we both had because of what happened was completely gone. I felt like I could finally feel relieved with peace, because he knew how I felt and he sincerely told me how much he appreciated and liked the piece of writing.

This goes to show that although we may not always be at a loss to speak our emotions, thoughts, etc. even in classes/discussions, that when we are free to express more of those feelings relating to different topics and subjects, often the best way we do it is through writing, such as in these blog posts.

In conclusion, writing has such a big impact to others when emotional and even sincere times arise and spoken words are at a loss. Wong does such a magnificent job with dividing her spoken language and her written language, and she gives such a large audience a glimpse of both her sensitive and humorous side(s). She writes sincere letters to her children, but also relates her comedy back to it, the other side of her.