Disclaimer: I am not pregnant nor do I have children. I didn't want the title to confuse anybody :--).
While watching Baby Cobra, I was thinking to myself how amazing
Ali Wong looked in her skin-tight dress while 7 and a half months pregnant. My
next thought was “I could never do that.” I have felt insecure with my body for
as long as I can remember. No matter how skinny or chubby I am, I still have
the same feeling of “I can’t let people see what shape is underneath my
clothes.” When I was a size medium, I wore a large. Now that I’m a large, I
wear an XL. BUT RECENTLY… I became tired of it. I started asking myself why. Why
was I so afraid that someone would be able to make out the shape of my hips?
Why did it feel like a cardinal sin for my shirt to touch my stomach? Why was I
so worried about it?
I thought back to growing up and getting ready with my mom in
the mornings. She would put on a shirt and say something like, “ugh you can see
my fat rolls in this. Ew, I look so gross. I can’t wear this into public.” For
as long as I can remember, my mom has always put herself down. If someone
compliments her hair, she’ll reply with “really? I feel wind-blown.” If they
compliment her shoes, “I just found these on a rack somewhere for cheap, I don’t
even like them, really.” If they compliment her shirt, “Oh don’t look at it, I
look so big and bloated right now.”
As I grow older, I find myself repeating a lot of those
phrases. I find myself blowing off compliments and turning them into self-deprecating
statements instead. I realized I’d rather not have anyone comment on any part
of my appearance at all. I felt uncomfortable saying “thank you” in response to
a compliment because the woman I looked up to my whole life never said that. I
started dressing plainly and in way-too-big clothes in high school so nobody
would want to compliment me. Most of my wardrobe is gray, black, white,
and navy blue. I don’t do my hair and makeup. I don’t want to risk someone
telling me I look nice because I don’t know what to say back.
Recently, I started making a conscious effort to stop this
behavior. I started practicing saying “thank you.” A great way to reply to
compliments, I’ve found, is to compliment them back. So now, I put on makeup
when I feel like it. I dress up when I feel like it. I don’t want to adopt my
mom’s habit because I don’t want to pass it on. I don’t want my daughters to
see me speak down to myself and think it is normal. I want to be better for my daughters. I want them to be
comfortable in their own skin. I want to be comfortable in MY skin. I want to
wear a latex dress when I’m pregnant.
It's always amazed me how much our parents affect us without us truly knowing the extent it. At least not in the moment. Now that we're adults we are able to look back and think oh wow that really did change the way I do things myself. I'm glad you were able to realize this habit, and break the cycle for your potential children someday. By the way, I think you will totally rock that latex dress.
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing. I was just like that in grade school my mom was always like ugh you can see my fat or this dress makes me look fat. I hated that but I turned out to be that way as I got older. However much like you’re doing now, I began to better myself in the area of confidence in highschool. Sometimes I still say things like really? Or wow okay. But all of us are beautiful in our own way. Everyone should have the right to feel confident no matter what we are wearing. Thank you so much for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteI definitely thing a mothers view of themselves translate to their daughters. My mother wore XL clothing for as long as I could remember, not cause she needed to. But because she never learned to become confident in herself so she just covered up. I have been the same way now for almost 18 years. I do not like tight clothing, I feel most comfortable in an oversized sweatshirt and I like to stay like that. It is not my mothers fault, but societies. They need to teach and preach more body positivity so that the next generations do not have to hate their bodies.
ReplyDeleteA really important post, I think, with some great conversation happening here in the comments.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely hear you on this. I don't think there's ever been a time where I've been happy with my body. I still wear clothes that are too big for me partly because they're extra comfy but also because I feel safe. It's like I'm afraid people are gonna find out I'm chubby, like it's some big secret. I know it's my body and I appreciate it, but I also feel like it doesn't fit me. Weird stuff, but thank you again for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI truly relate to this post: my mom will NEVER accept any compliments from me. I always call her cute and pretty, but she only sees her flaws and unwanted figure. Because of her (and my sister), I can never wear makeup because then they've made me associate it with covering up one's insecurities. Ultimately, I also strive to accept and love myself more than my mom ever did for herself.
ReplyDelete