And yes, I'm incredibly frustrated.
...
Okay, status update: this class has officially made me into an angry hothead. I've been listening to 2 Dope Queens nonstop every day now, I'm officially all "EFF THE PATRIARCHY," and I'm just MAD. I analyze (maybe over-analyze, or maybe under-analyze??) everything my brother, boyfriend, and dad say and do, and my frustration hasn't even reached its limit yet.
Basically, I feel like I'm #woke and I see all the ways I don't defend myself against mens' bullshiz (also, yes, I try not to curse guys, and no, I won't apologize or explain myself). And, as I've been super hyper-aware of my actions and men's actions, I discovered my potentially most toxic trait.
So, my boyfriend made me mad at Wingstop. He tried to correct me on something, then I checked and found out I was right (LOL), and I was mad about something else already. Then he tried to check on me since I was visibly mad. This was the moment. The. Moment. ... I realized in that moment that if I just said the magic words "It's fine," he'd stop asking about what was wrong. If I could say that combined with the most lovey-dovey expression on my face, he would stop being worried about why I was mad.
Because it would let him off the hook.
Let me explain: I realized that I have a tendency to say "It's fine" in order to appease men. For example: you tried to make me sound dumb? It's fine. You made me stay an hour after work for stupid stuff? It's fine. You didn't text me back about our important plans because you're playing World of Warcraft again? It's fine. You called me out for eating a lot (compared to other WOMEN, NOT MEN)? It's fine.
Okay, honestly, I may say this to appease other women, too. But when talking to women, it's definitely easier to not say "It's fine" because we're equals in that sense. I am allowed to explain myself to women. For men? It brings me back to Regina Barreca and when she explained that women use self-deprecation in order to not make men feel nervous or threatened (24). However, this need to "not make men feel nervous or threatened" extends not only to humor but to LIFE.
Men are at the top of the pyramid and are generally physically strong enough to rape/murder women. Also, their voices are generally louder and their authority is generally greater. So, yeah, of course women don't try to make men feel threatened. Because then that's basically "reckless endangerment", as in their life could be endangered.
I wish life was all "Who run the world? GIRLS." But, no - we live in a patriarchy where women feel threatened daily! In fact, I live in fear of getting raped - no joke. Exhibit A: One of my jobs is at a truck repair shop where truckers and mechanics go dayssssss (or even weeks) without seeing a female. That is, until they see me - a cutie young lady whose body screams "weak." The odds are against me, and I'm on the verge of flashing every male that breathes at me a peek at my pepper spray. (No joke, as I'm writing this, tonight I was scared to even walk 10 feet to my car because the men I interact with are sleezy and would love some of the Filipino flavor I'm dripping.)
So, all of this ranting is to say let men feel threatened by me. I'm never saying "It's fine" just to make men feel comfortable ever. again. Because I will NEVER feel comfortable, safe, un-threatened by men. If I can't physically defend myself against men, at the very least I can verbally defend myself and explain to them why they behave like butt holes on the daily. It's all I can do, but at least it's a start.
Thank you for enjoying my rant.
(Also, sorry if any women are potentially insulted by me making light of me possibly getting raped. It is truly a legitimate fear of mine, I worry about it every other second, and me joking about it is so I can downplay how extremely fearful I am. No joke, I need a self-defense class like I need air to breathe - something needs to change if I will ever feel safe as a girl.)
Barreca, Regina. They Used to Call Me Snow White...But I
Drifted: Women's Strategic Use of Humor. Penguin Books, 1992.
This type of anger is so important in this day and age. I'm glad you didn't sugarcoat any aspects of this post and you wrote down exactly what you are feeling. "It's fine" is my most commonly used phrase as well, and you're right, it is hardly ever fine. Why do we always feel as if we can't talk about what's bothering us?
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ReplyDeleteI feel this on a spiritual level. Rage seems to be my most frequent emotion these days. I'm joining with you in boycotting the terrible, terrible "It's fine" line. Thanks so much for sharing your deepest feelings with us!
ReplyDeleteWhat a post! Sorry (not sorry) that the class has made you an angry hothead. :) On another note, I saw a flyer in Knutti about a self-defense class coming up. Maybe you could do it? It would at least give you a greater sense of control?
ReplyDeleteI feel like it's honestly a girl thing to just say oh I'm fine, even if we're not. Sometimes we say it because we don't want to have to deal with an argument, and we're just too tired to care. Other times though, I think we do it because we're expected too, and that's just sad. For so long women have been told we're too emotional and not to express them, so we just say we're fine when we aren't. We should all say what we are actually feeling instead of saying we're fine just to avoid hurt feelings.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your post I realized that I also say “I’m fine”, a lot! I’m going to join you on this path of never saying it again, unless of course I’m joking around with my friends about, being angry with them. (And yes I do that sometimes, but they usually know). I just want to thank you for bringing this to my attention.
ReplyDeleteUPDATE: There is a self defense class this upcoming Wednesday 2:00-3:30 in the ballroom with Crystal from MSA (former cop, badass, love of my good life) You will have to check it out! I am sorry you feel scared, but happy to hear you feel empowered Holly. Don't be afraid to be you just because of certain backlash. Be who you are unapologetically.
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