Post 4: What Does “Femininity” Mean?

According to Tina Fey’s lists in Bossypants, there are many vague and unreachable things that a woman should consistently strive to be. For example, Fey notes that, if women are ever to have a chance in hell of being considered conventionally attractive and feminine, they should have “blue eyes”, “full lips”, “a Jamaican dance hall ass” (which I am pretty sure just means a big ol’ booty, but I am not fully certain [edit: don't google that]), “small feet”, “doll tits”, and “full lashes” (20-23). These are only a few of the examples Fey lists, and a mere molecule of water in the ocean of expectations that society has for women today. Now, when considering this list, and considering all of the beautiful, unique, diverse women I know, most women have at least one of these attributes. Yippee, one step closer to being socially accepted and wanted by straight, cis-gendered men! That is the goal of every woman’s life, right?

Wrong. Most of you knew that, because you are open-minded, accepting, non-misogynistic individuals. Go you! Most of you also know that I am currently engaged to a woman named Karson, who I live with and share a beautiful cat-son with (we often joke that Godfrey is the only man we’ll ever love, which is only partly true). My fiancée works at a restaurant where she is required to wear a uniform consisting of a baseball-style hat, collared t-shirt, loose blue pants, and black non-slip tennis shoes, and where she often interacts with all kinds of members of the general public on the daily (this has a point, I promise). Karson often comes home after work and tells me about her day, a conversation which almost always includes her saying “I got sir-ed again today”. As we have continued to read about women and the obstacles they face in this class, I have begun to wonder what it is about Karson that continuously makes people assume that she is a male, or if it is anything about Karson herself at all.

Karson tells me that, for the most part, it is the older white customers that mistake her gender, though some younger people do on occasion. While Karson has blue eyes, a perfectly-proportioned button nose, and lovely long lashes, this does not keep customers from misgendering her on the regular with a resounding “excuse me, sir?”. Karson, our friend and Karson’s coworker Karen, and myself have all speculated what might be the cause of this widespread confusion. Could it be Karson’s sharp jawline, her tall and thin fighter’s frame, her work-hat? Could it be exactly what Karson feared when she made the decision to cut her waist-length hair into a buzzed-sides, messy-top, semi-pixie? As someone who came from a Christian, stereotypically gendered family, Karson had always been the “tom-boy” kid, and decided when she moved out of her mom’s house that she didn’t want her long hair anymore, so she took a pair of scissors to it as I provided moral support over FaceTime. Simultaneously, Karson loved the feeling of a literal and figurative weight off her shoulders, though also feared how she would be perceived by her family, friends, and strangers. Being misgendered for, presumably, having a “boy” haircut forces Karson to reflect on her physical appearance and how others may see her, which is a source of anxiety both for her and for so many others like her (see: Women Who Do Anything Ever).

This class has made me take a step back and entertain the idea that, just maybe, it isn’t anything about Karson’s physicality, the androgynous nature of her name, or her Scorpio-ness that makes strangers mistake her for a man. Maybe, it is the learned and culturally-influenced gender binary stereotypes that have been so deeply ingrained into the minds of our society, maybe they literally cannot see past their own prejudices, like standing at one end of a Barbie and Ken-shaped tunnel and looking at the silhouettes on the other side. How boring would that be? A world with no men in lipstick and liner, no ladies with pixie-cuts in suits! No Ellen Degeneres, no Trixie Mattel, no Ruby Rose, Ezra Miller, David Bowie, Dom Harrison, Heidi Hanrahan (rock that pixie, Dr. H), it sounds so awful!

In the end, I don’t know what advice to give her. I can say “it is just because they’re old” or “it is because of society’s stereotypical preconceived notions about gender and sexuality most prevalent in the more conservative earlier generations”, but nothing really stops it nagging at her. Either way, she looks fly as hell, she feels so much more like herself with short hair, and gender is a social construct.

P.S. I considered titling this post “I Talk About My Lady For Way Too Long: Androgyny Is The New Binary And Is Super Groovy”.