That'll never be me! And then it was...

*WARNING: TOPICS ABOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT AND RAPE WILL BE DISCUSSED IN THIS POST. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!*

When I thought about what I wanted to write about for this week’s blog post, I was unsure up until class this past Wednesday. I had been tossing around ideas about doing a post that was about Tig Notaro’s image as a woman, and how it’s a direct middle finger to the patriarchy. (I still might do that, so stay tuned for future blog post’s!) However, when we finished watching “Nanette” by Hannah Gadsby in class, I knew I wanted to write about how I felt about the one part of her show discussing her experience with rape and sexual assault, and my personal connection to it.

(First a little pretext)

When I came into class on Wednesday, I’ll be completely honest, I was soooooooooooo excited that I was going to be able to turn my brain off for an hour and watch a comedy special! It reminded me of those days in elementary, middle and high school where you would walk in, and the teacher was going to be playing a movie for class that day. I was happy that I was going to be able to laugh and let go and enjoy this comedy special by this very incredible comedian. (and I honestly didn’t know the comedians name until after we finished the comedy special XD).

And then…my excitement for the class slowly drained away as the second half started to get into serious topics, which included misogyny, sexual assault, rape, and others. I started to feel bad whenever I would start laughing after a serious topic had been discussed, and I would find myself thinking back on it 10 minutes after it had been brought up. Gadsby is very phenomenal at her job, since she knew how to control the tension so well, that she managed to make everyone laugh, including myself, after such intense topics had been brought to light.

The part of her set that made me stop dead in my tracks was when she said how she had been sexually assaulted as a child and raped by two men when she had barely hit her twenties. (1:02:00) I stared at the screen for a while after that, suddenly feeling so much emotion that I wanted to cry for this woman for everything she had gone through, and how she had barely even lived when it had all happened. I started to feel mad at the world we live in and the fact that almost every woman has a story like that. Where she was violated at the hands of someone who didn’t respect them and  had forgotten the meaning of the word “NO.”

Along with anger, I started to feel incredibly sad and numb, as it reminded me of a time in my life when I hadn’t been in control and had been violated. I was a senior in high school, and had only been in one relationship before this time, so I knew next to nothing about what a normal relationship looked like.

The one relationship I had been in was unique and didn’t follow any norms that you see in the media. For both of us, it was our first relationship, so we just went through it and discovered everything together at our own pace. He was supportive, respectful, and my best friend, which ended up being the reason for the split, since we both realized that we were better off friends instead of partners. I never had to worry about being pushed to do something I didn’t want to do, and I always thought I would never be the girl that got taken advantage of…

I was only seventeen, which seems to be the popular age for this to happen. He was eighteen, so technically an adult, and I never saw it coming. I didn’t even realize what had actually happened until I came for freshman orientation the following summer, and we had a whole presentation on consent. I know now that silence and just letting it happen isn’t consent, but back then, I thought it was what normal teenagers in relationships did, so I didn’t question it.

I was sexually assaulted.

I don’t say this because I am a victim. Just like Gadsby, I say this because I am strong and healing, and that this is how I make sure he doesn’t have power over me anymore. The relationship lasted for two months, and I got out before it had escalated to the point where I would’ve had to have added “I was raped” to the end of the previous statement.

I still to this day feel the effects of the assault, but I no longer let them control me. I am healing and strong, and refuse to let him have power over me anymore. When Gadsby said “There is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself” (1:05:06), I immediately felt understood and empowered. She is right you know. I wouldn’t want to be you if you tried to push me to do something, I wasn’t comfortable doing, just saying.

If you made it this far, I hope you only look at this post as something that is joyful and hopeful. I hope there comes a time when the world will change to where women won’t have these stories, but until then, I will stand tall and rally for change.