If I could write a letter to Hannah Gadsby

First let me start by saying how much gratitude I have for Hannah, for speaking up, and for not being sorry about sharing her voice.

Out of the twenty-minutes near the end of her show when she spoke with the tone like she was holding back tears, I too was biting my lip. The moment she started talking about sexual assault I hadn't felt uncomfortable, just was filled with so much emotion (and still am) that it's been hard to put into words how it's affected me. In this post, I hope to do that, I hope to explain why I "shut down."

I shut down not because I was afraid or shying away from my experience, rather because I was lacking the correct response to what she had been saying. I was speechless.

The topic of sexual assault alone is enough to make almost anyone in a room full of people hush up, but what happens to those listening who are also survivors? The answer to this isn't as simple as you think it would be, EVERYONE responds to experiences like these differently. THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO FEEL ABOUT A TRAUMATIZING EXPERIENCE, read that again.

With tears in my eyes as I write this, I can't express just how much gratitude I have for Hannah.

She spoke on behalf of herself, and survivors everywhere.

I've experienced rape and other forms of sexual assault throughout my life, and one thing that made me tear up faster than smelling an onion was that Hannah also had experienced something so similar to me. She too, was sexually abused.

At a VERY young age, I'm talking about not even toddler years yet, I was raped by my own biological father. Hearing Hannah speak so powerfully about her experience so similar made me happy to hear another voice has spoken, but also made me sad and angry to know that someone else experienced something so utterly disgusting as I had. It takes so much energy to bring attention to yourself within any subject matter, whether positive or negative and I couldn't imagine just how much relief yet so much emotion she had felt leading up to and after telling this story.

I hope this post has shed more light on this subject.

Now, a note for Hannah.

Dear Hannah,

Your are amazing, an absolutely powerful woman and deserve the world.

Thank you for shining such a bright light to situations such as these, catching the attention of EVERYONE listening.

Thank you for giving me the confidence to further write and share my story with others.
Thank you for being you.

Yours truly,

Jamie

Jock Culture

            In Jenny Slate’s comedy special Stage Freight, she comments on jock culture, making jokes about how it often involves forms of toxic masculinity. She is hilarious in the way she explains football as a bunch of best friends who decided to all wear the same outfit and go chase after “the toy.” Also, while the jock strap provides almost full-proof protection, the NFL has yet to develop a helmet which effectively prevents their heads from injuries. Both areas of the body are important, but losing one limits the baby-making process. Losing the other can potentially put you in a wheelchair for the rest of your life. Priorities. In reference to Alison’s post “Toxic Masculinity Isn’t a Meme,” I just want to explain how bad it can be.

            My freshman year of high school, I went to Bishop McNamara in Forestville, MD. I had played baseball since I was about four years old, so I tried out for the baseball team. A “tryout” implies that I walked onto the field for two or three designated dates, showed them what I had to offer, and then was told whether I was on the team or not. It was not like that at all. I worked out with the team for a large part of the summer, and all the way into the school year. In the fall we did heavy amounts of lifting and cardio, to the point where it hurt for me to sit in my chair during class. When we started to play on the field, practices lasted at least three hours depending on how the coach felt that day. This all continued without any progress report from the coaches as far as where I stood with the team.

            I began to understand that the starting lineup and the players they planned on using later, had been predetermined. It didn’t matter how much work I put in, how much more respectful I was, or how much better of a person I was than my teammates or coaches alike. The coaches would never realize my full potential as they continued to develop the players they thought were the best. These players knew this and, since they were given the special treatment, took it upon themselves to make the rest of us feel like absolute shit.

            After every game and practice, there was a lot of work to be done to the field in order to maintain it. These jobs were always left to those of us who were not starters (this was some heavy-duty work). In the meantime, the starters feigned work, waiting for us to finish. I did it anyway, though. I thought if the coaches saw how much harder a worker I was, they might notice my potential. But the coaches didn’t care, they even encouraged this. The coaches allowed the starters ruin our self-esteems, making us think we weren’t good enough to deserve to be treated fairly. I understand seniority, but this was hazing in its truest form. The reason the starters did this was to boost their own egos, keeping the rest of us down. If we were too busy worried about what was going on around us, we would not have the chance to steal one of their spots. This is just one of the examples of how that baseball team was the most poorly run program I’ve ever seen. I left the school after my freshman year and the head coach was fired for sleeping with one of the player’s mom (classy). I still consider transferring the best decision of my life. Toxic masculinity is demoralizing and can make you feel like less of a person for not being as strong or athletic as someone else. I wish sports could go back to being about having fun and wearing the same outfit as my best friends.

Week 7: Masking Mental Illness (and Misogyny) as Male Genius

Although there were many layers to Hannah Gadsby's Nanette that varied in levels of seriousness, one particular aspect of her standup really stood out to me. Her frequent art history references and sheer knowledge of the topic added depth and weight to her argument. She very beautifully applied art history to current issues we face today. For example, the ridiculous roles of women were discussed through the depictions of them in paintings (Gadsby). Though we are no longer expected to run around partially nude, the idea that women cannot think for themselves is still a prominent issue in society today. With Gadsby's nods to art history, she indirectly comments on the gendered aspect in the relationship between art, mental illness, and genius. In this blog post, I will attempt to discuss how coining artists' mental illnesses as "genius" is somehow also a gendered idea. 

Hannah Gadsby cites Vincent van Gogh as an example of an artist suffering from mental illness being regarded as a "genius." To demonstrate this, she tells the story about how he only sold one painting and joked that it was probably because he was "crazy" (Gadsby). Similarly, Gadsby mentioned Pablo Picasso and the creepy relations he had with an underage girl. This injustice of course was overlooked by the public due to his genius. "But, cubism," was a common quip Gadsby incorporated mimicking the societal excuse given for Picasso (Gadsby). He clearly molested this woman, but it was alright because his genius created cubism, and he and his victim were both "at their prime" (Gadsby). Firstly, that statement could not be any more disgusting, but it is not surprising coming from an old, white dude. Old white men of power always seem to get away with these vile, sexist remarks anyway. Gadsby quoted that his mental illness, although he did suffer from some form of it, was actually "misogyny" (Gadsby). It seems as though the crown of "genius" will also disguise sexism, as the men and artists who abuse their fame and power are allowed to employ misogyny in the name of "higher intelligence." 

Women are excluded from this "genius" narrative in both Gadsby's standup and society. (What's new?) Of course, throughout history, there have been female artists and also geniuses (gasp) who may have been plagued by mental illness. That simple fact does not mean that they are actually discussed and given validity, though. There are endless examples of depressed male artists, van Gogh and Picasso, for one, and in music, Mozart, with his public outbursts and odd mannerisms, and Chopin, with his 24 Preludes written as he was slowly dying of tuberculosis. (I wrote a 20-page paper about Mozart and the suspicion that he had Tourette's Syndrome. Similarly, I also made a PowerPoint presentation on multiple artists and the psychology behind their music, in which I discussed Chopin.) How come all of this attention (i.e. 20-page reports) goes to the male artists who suffered mental illnesses? Why is this, of all topics, a gendered one? Perhaps it is because women could not possibly be regarded as geniuses. Maybe the men were the only ones focused on in history because women generally did not matter. (Side note: Women composers around Chopin's time and much later were condemned for creating music and seen as simply not brilliant enough to make valid works. Triggering, I know.) Whatever the reason, women and their genius and/or mental illness are not given the same publicity as their male counterparts. I would like to think that men are hiding behind their masks of genius, not only to disguise mental illness and misogyny, but to blind themselves from the overwhelming and obvious geniuses of women who are simply too afraid and societally suppressed to let them shine. 

*If anyone can think of a female artist whose mental illness is regarded as them being a "genius," please tell me about it. I would love to learn more about the female voices being overshadowed by men throughout history. 

Works Cited 

Gadsby, Hannah. Nanette. Directed by Madeleine Parry and Jon Olb. Performance by Hannah Gadsby, Netflix, 19 June 2018. 

This is deep

Nanette by Hannah Gadsby has kind of thrown me off since we finished. It ripped at my heart and just broke me. As a member of the LGBTQ+ population I understand and empathize with some of the situations she talked about. However, I have privilege compared to Hannah. It was heartbreaking to hear about the extreme oppression she faced, even within her government.

I guess I have just been feeling doubtful about the world. I am currently being educated by this class and other peers about marginalized identities. It makes you wonder when it will stop, and if it will. Bias seems never ending. As Hannah Gadsby and Phoebe Robinson have both vocalized it is exhausting. It is not a want to stand up for the oppressed. It is a need.

I feel as though this is a never ending battle. I really connected with Hannah when she was talking about family and coming out. My coming out was delightful compared to others. My family wants me to be happy, but the moment I started dating someone it kind of turned. I was threatened with being just cut away from the family because they were scared. They wanted to scare me out of a relationship with someone I loved cause they were different.

It takes education. People don’t realize how their words, actions, and intentions are based off of bias. They are scared of differences. There are so many in the world, yet they want to pretend like they don’t exist. They make people who are different less than. As if it is wrong to be different. As if it is not okay to do things another way.

I hate that things are celebrated when people are given equity, cause it shouldn’t be a celebrated it should be normal. It should be normal to marry who you want. It should be normal to wear your hair naturally. It should be normal to feel safe within your society, and not be scared of acts of violence for who you are. It should be normal to have rights.

Another side rant on this normalization of equity is black history month, if you guys haven't seen it, watch this video -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkanNI58Q-E&feature=share&fbclid=IwAR0nZCqsyiZxyiD5owoH9rEwl28aWQ9XzR5Vc--QPGLGBCrrVWA5D4wpNyE
We have been constructed to think and feel a certain way. Populations do not need our pity. They need our respect. They should not have ‘months’ dedicated to them, they should just BE history. We are marginalizing people more by giving them labels. They are humans, they deserve rights and respect. That is all. We are defining people by one aspect of their identity and they are suffering for it.



People are being told they are not enough when they have not even been given a chance in the world. It is frustrating, exhausting and heartbreaking. I am tired of it, I am tired of the oppression. I wish it could go away, and it doesn’t seem like it will. But I recognize that at least it is starting here. At least we are educating ourselves to create a better future. So thanks y’all for trying.

The Story You Don't Want To Miss

After watching Nanette, that was when I knew that I needed a Hannah Gadsby in my life so flipping bad! Yes, even though she is 42 years of age, she can still teach me a thing or two. But for Hannah, it’s not only her wit that got me, she’s just funny as hell. Let me take that back, funny is an understatement, hilarious! Like for some reason with her accent (I love all accents, I think they’re just so beautiful especially how somethings they pronounce differently) along with her clever jokes makes it so funny I just die. So, real quick have any of you heard a joke from someone just anybody and then started laughing, of course because you found the joke funny but you continue laughing minutes later and even when the joke is dead dead you still continue heckling and it’s like the joke is gone. Yeah that’s what I got from her and I feel like she got some of us in the class ha-ha.  

From her Netflix special, there were two parts that had me feeling just like that. For starters, this part is something that I relate to her so much. When she talked about identity and all that I loved how she defined herself, tired. I have never screamed in my head saying “MEEEEEEE!!!!!” so loud before in my life it’s disgusting, it truly is. Now, Hannah and I might have a different perspective of “tired”, but I still felt that because that’s how I feel all the time just tired. Tired of dealing with people (mainly talking about people in past and yeah, it is going to get a tad ugly) who want to play victim when they know they were in the wrong and want to boo-hoo and cry, people always commenting on what you’re doing (meanwhile, you’re still learning about life) when all they do is just sit on their ass cheeks 24/7 not doing what THEY need to do, just so much but you get the point. As for the second part, it was when she almost got beat up by a guy because he thought that she was hitting on his girlfriend, even though she was. So yeah, this kind of happened to me too. Here’s what happened, I was at the Frederick Mall with my best friend Asher and his friend and we went to Journey’s because I wanted some new shoes. Oh, keep in mind, I look like a complete bum like sweats, sweatshirt, hair down with a hat, a normal tee, NO MAKEUP all that. Off the bat, this girl greeted us and all that but the way she greeted was a little “too happy” you can say. I’m browsing and found the shoes that I liked and what a coincidence she helped me, got my size and checked out. Now during checkout, she sparks a conversation with me, and I reply you know but then she was flirting and all and I caught on, so then I flirted back! I’m sorry she was cute and I was like a little flirt moment can't hurt no one but then when we were talking for way too long just standing there, this tall slim guy (regular employee) just comes to the register and was like ease dropping on what we were talking about and comes behind the girl and said something like “Is everything going okay? Do you need help checking out?” but he sounded a tad stern, so we were both like “Oh no, were good” and he walked away salty as helllllllll. So, she grabbed my receipt, wrote her number on it and yeah, we left. Mind you my friends are behind me jaw-dropped and all. The crazy part was I felt the vibe, but I thought she was going for the blonde hair, blue eyed surfer bod type of guy, nope. She liked herself some chocolate.

UPDATE: I lost her number…

That'll never be me! And then it was...

*WARNING: TOPICS ABOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT AND RAPE WILL BE DISCUSSED IN THIS POST. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!*

When I thought about what I wanted to write about for this week’s blog post, I was unsure up until class this past Wednesday. I had been tossing around ideas about doing a post that was about Tig Notaro’s image as a woman, and how it’s a direct middle finger to the patriarchy. (I still might do that, so stay tuned for future blog post’s!) However, when we finished watching “Nanette” by Hannah Gadsby in class, I knew I wanted to write about how I felt about the one part of her show discussing her experience with rape and sexual assault, and my personal connection to it.

(First a little pretext)

When I came into class on Wednesday, I’ll be completely honest, I was soooooooooooo excited that I was going to be able to turn my brain off for an hour and watch a comedy special! It reminded me of those days in elementary, middle and high school where you would walk in, and the teacher was going to be playing a movie for class that day. I was happy that I was going to be able to laugh and let go and enjoy this comedy special by this very incredible comedian. (and I honestly didn’t know the comedians name until after we finished the comedy special XD).

And then…my excitement for the class slowly drained away as the second half started to get into serious topics, which included misogyny, sexual assault, rape, and others. I started to feel bad whenever I would start laughing after a serious topic had been discussed, and I would find myself thinking back on it 10 minutes after it had been brought up. Gadsby is very phenomenal at her job, since she knew how to control the tension so well, that she managed to make everyone laugh, including myself, after such intense topics had been brought to light.

The part of her set that made me stop dead in my tracks was when she said how she had been sexually assaulted as a child and raped by two men when she had barely hit her twenties. (1:02:00) I stared at the screen for a while after that, suddenly feeling so much emotion that I wanted to cry for this woman for everything she had gone through, and how she had barely even lived when it had all happened. I started to feel mad at the world we live in and the fact that almost every woman has a story like that. Where she was violated at the hands of someone who didn’t respect them and  had forgotten the meaning of the word “NO.”

Along with anger, I started to feel incredibly sad and numb, as it reminded me of a time in my life when I hadn’t been in control and had been violated. I was a senior in high school, and had only been in one relationship before this time, so I knew next to nothing about what a normal relationship looked like.

The one relationship I had been in was unique and didn’t follow any norms that you see in the media. For both of us, it was our first relationship, so we just went through it and discovered everything together at our own pace. He was supportive, respectful, and my best friend, which ended up being the reason for the split, since we both realized that we were better off friends instead of partners. I never had to worry about being pushed to do something I didn’t want to do, and I always thought I would never be the girl that got taken advantage of…

I was only seventeen, which seems to be the popular age for this to happen. He was eighteen, so technically an adult, and I never saw it coming. I didn’t even realize what had actually happened until I came for freshman orientation the following summer, and we had a whole presentation on consent. I know now that silence and just letting it happen isn’t consent, but back then, I thought it was what normal teenagers in relationships did, so I didn’t question it.

I was sexually assaulted.

I don’t say this because I am a victim. Just like Gadsby, I say this because I am strong and healing, and that this is how I make sure he doesn’t have power over me anymore. The relationship lasted for two months, and I got out before it had escalated to the point where I would’ve had to have added “I was raped” to the end of the previous statement.

I still to this day feel the effects of the assault, but I no longer let them control me. I am healing and strong, and refuse to let him have power over me anymore. When Gadsby said “There is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself” (1:05:06), I immediately felt understood and empowered. She is right you know. I wouldn’t want to be you if you tried to push me to do something, I wasn’t comfortable doing, just saying.

If you made it this far, I hope you only look at this post as something that is joyful and hopeful. I hope there comes a time when the world will change to where women won’t have these stories, but until then, I will stand tall and rally for change.

Toxic Masculinity Isn't a Meme

I'm on Twitter a lot. I really love it. I learn things, I laugh, I cry, it's usually a good time. There are a few exceptions to this. Many of you may know of Future, a rap artist. He has released a lot of popular music that I hear almost every day via people's Instagram stories. He has some catchy tunes I won't like, but this man is a terrible person. He is known for being an incredibly toxic person in his relationships with women. Once he bought out a club and wouldn't let certain women in based on their size, reportedly saying, "no fatties allowed." He is also well known for his past relationship with musical artist Ciara. She appeared on an episode of Jada Pinkett-Smith's "Red Table Talk" to discuss how their relationship hurt her. She told stories about times she would just cry in the shower from the pressures of their relationship. On his side of things, Future had this to say about Russell Wilson (Ciara's husband), “He not being a man in that position. He not tellin’ her, ‘Chill out with that on the Internet. Don’t even talk to him. I’m your husband! You better not even bring Future’s name up!’ If that was me, she couldn’t even bring his name up. She know that. She couldn’t even bring her exes’ names up. Don’t give that s**t no energy.” EW! All this to say, Twitter has made Future the mascot of toxic masculinity. True to Twitter's nature though, it's become all jokes. Men will tweet about how it's time to go "Future mode" because a woman turned them down/curved them, or how when he releases new music they're ready for toxic masculinity season. I am here to say THAT'S NOT FREAKIN FUNNY. There is nothing funny about traumatizing women. There is nothing funny about manipulating your female partners. I just don't understand, I'm truly flabbergasted. Probably one of the most memorable examples was from this past summer where a video of Future came out in which he was talking about how he gifts "his girls" a certain type of watch. He then said in reference to those who don't have this watch, "she belongs to the streets." DISGUSTING! Not only implying these watches are some sort of branding but that the opposite of that is just that she's open for anybody???? I hate it here!

I know this was kind of a short one, I just wanted to get this off my chest. Boys have cooties, never forget.

What Takes Up More Room in My Closet: Me, or My Shoes?

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