By the time I was 12, I was picked on. I was too loud. I laughed too much. I told too many jokes. I was constantly told I need to "tone it down" by men who acted the same way, but it was okay for them to do it because they're men, duh! I didn't understand that logic then and I don't understand it now.
By the time I was 15, I had my first boyfriend. I was so smitten and my only goal was to marry this boy because he kissed me at the movies. To be the perfect girlfriend, I had to cater to his every need. I learned that from my parent's marriage. SPOILER: they're divorced now. I wanted to cook him food, go on trips, and sail off into the sunset. Notably, I wanted to get along with his friends, so I acted like one of the guys. I made jokes about sex and girls and all things teen-boy. I thought if I spoke their language, they'd be kind to me. SPOILER: they were not.
By the time I was 16, I was called every name in the book. I was a whore, a skank, a slut, a hoe, a whatever-they-could-think-of-in-their-tiny-teen-boy-brains. For what, you may ask? I was THE WORST person because I dared to make the same jokes as them... as a girl. I joked about sex so I must be having sex with everyone under the sun. Hey, even if I was, whose business is that? Why can't I crack jokes? I took the same sex-ed courses as them. I know all the body parts, baby, and I'm here for a good time, not a long time. I'm making the penis jokes.
By the time I was 18, I realized that the rules men had set for me were garbage. I was no longer setting out to act like a man; instead, I'd act like I had some dignity. All my life I had heard "if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all."
I am now 21, and I am not so loud. I have learned the art of only speaking when I have something to say and not just making noise to get attention. I still laugh at penis jokes (only the funny ones) and if that makes me a *insert vague insult here* then so be it. I do not have as many men friends, but I do have a wonderful boyfriend with great friends who all laugh at penis jokes AND vagina jokes. There's just something beautiful about that.
Hearing about your mission as a young girl to be just as loud and expressive as all of the boys gives me a lot of hope for children of the present and future. Resisting sexist ideals is hard, but unlearning internalized self-hatred is even harder! It is so wonderful that you have found an accepting group of loved ones that you can bond with and feel comfortable around, and not guys who get mad at you when you call them out on their misogyny. Isn't the feminist dream all genders laughing at penis and vagina jokes together?
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post. I loved that you gave a timeline of how you changed over the years after being affected by the world around you. Especially how you didn't change just because the people around you were uncomfortable. Instead you decided they weren't worth having around and weren't willing to compromise yourself for their sake. I strive to speak up the way you do.
ReplyDeleteI truly enjoyed your post. I loved hearing about the things you went too, as terrible as it sounds however, you learned from it. I was always one to hang out with guys too, try to fit in with them be loud as well. I got called every name in the book so its nice to know I'm not the only one. I love that you are so comfortable you can speak up to people. We are all beautiful, sometimes it just takes a little growing up and maturing to realize that. I'm so glad you found a group you fit in with!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I laughed out loud at, "I'm here for a good time not a long time. I'm making the penis jokes." Also, PENISES ARE FUNNY so why don't we get to joke about them just because we don't have them??? I loved your post through and through, I feel like I got a glimpse of what made you who you are. I also to relate to the name-calling. My freshman year in high school I was using one of those anonymous websites that was popular at the time and someone wrote that I was a skank, even though I was a virgin until my senior year. Not sure how that works. In short, I admire the growth you shared in this post and your refusal to be anyone but you.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your post, my favorite line was the callback to the common phrase: "If you don't have anything nice to say, then say don't say anything at all." I personally find every exception to this rule and I see this as only used to shutdown children and women to keep them from sharing their thoughts, feelings, anything someone would find contrary or argumentative. Anyways, I love it's inclusion in your essay as your experiences are a perfect example against just saying the "nice" things that please others and instead you show you gotta be yourself!! You're doing amazing! :)
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