Week 2: Saying No to "Yes, and"

In Tina Fey's Bossypants, she includes a brief guideline of sorts highlighting the correlation between improvisational technique and life skills, which she titles, The Rules of Improvisation That Will Change Your Life and Reduce Belly Fat (84-85). This excerpt can be found in the section, "The Windy City, Full of Meat," in which she discusses some of her experiences working and touring for an improvisation comedy theater. These "rules to live by" adhere to the proper improvisation "etiquette" that Fey learned to use as an early comedienne. The key aspects of these rules are listed as "Agree" ("Yes"), "Yes, and," "Make statements," and "There are no mistakes" (Fey 84-85). Overall, these are generally helpful suggestions for anyone to incorporate into their daily lives. Although they make perfect sense from the improvisational lens, these rules may not exactly transfer over to women's lives as nicely as Fey implies they should. Of course, Fey makes a wonderful and valid point that women should make more conclusive statements and not phrase everything as a question waiting to be answered (85). I agree with that statement completely, as well as the concept that mistakes are opportunities in disguise. However, I believe that the "yes, and" idea is a problematic suggestion for women, who have been forced to say "yes" for centuries. In this post, I will attempt to delve into this issue deeper, referencing Fey's book and an article I found on this concept, in hopes of making a statement of my own about "yes, and."

I do not entirely disagree with what Fey is arguing in The Rules of Improvisation. It would be nice for people of all genders to go into life and face its many, unique situations with an open and positive mindset. However, this shift could never completely happen, as people will always find ways to be negative and close-minded. Fey's rules are helpful in theory, but when one considers the position that women are in and have been in for years, there is no need to continue this harmful practice of submission, even if her suggestion of this was unintentional. Too often women throughout history have been told to obey. They must say yes. They must smile and appear happy, even when it is inconvenient or impossible. It is drilled into women to say yes in order to be liked. A clinical psychologist and academic coach, Mary McKinney, PhD, discusses this concept further. She claims that, "Saying no is more challenging for women because of societal pressures to be likable..." (McKinney qtd. in Clay 34). Meanwhile, men are still liked even if they are assertive, but "women are more...likable if they're compliant" (McKinney qtd. in Clay 34). The article is more focused on graduate students learning to say no, but it included some interesting information about how it is more difficult for women and minorities to say no due to the warped expectations imposed on them by society.

While Fey provides a sort of disclaimer with, "...in real life you're not always going to agree with everything everyone says," it is simply not enough considering the history and pain of "yes" through the woman's perspective (84). Her mere suggestion of always saying yes feels like she is latching on to this overused, outdated mindset and furthering its presence in our minds. If this way of thinking was to exist no more, perhaps we would feel alright with saying "no." Personally, I find it devastating to tell someone no if they ask something of me. I have always been an overachiever and will often throw myself under a bus for someone if they ask me to or if I think I am taking up too much space at the metaphorical bus stop. This tendency is not my fault, however. It has been engrained in my little female brain that I must always say yes. We as women are taught to feel shame when we cannot do something that someone asks of us, as we were expected to do every single task that was given to us as housewives, an expectation that still holds today in this idea of "yes, and." Like the saying goes, "History repeats itself," and this dilemma of forever agreeing is like a chronic disease in history that will seemingly never go away. Like syphilis.

For some women, being "deathly terrified" of saying "no" is quite real. Many are put into situations that involve ridicule or literal abuse when they choose to utter that wretched word. Fey's sentiment, although it comes from a sincere place, simply does not take into account the serious implications when someone, particularly a woman, refuses to say yes. It is too discouraging, too annoying, too triggering, and all too familiar to be told to always say yes as a woman. We should instead flip the script. As women, let's expect the "yes" to come from the men for a change. 

Are our opinions just as valid as men's are? 

"Yes." 

Can we contribute to something, whether it be comedy, academia, or society in general, with as much relevance and significance as men? 

"Yes." 

Are we capable of being funny? 

"Yes." 

Are we good enough? 

"Yes." 

Now, must we always say yes? 

"Y-" 

This is the point in time when the women interrupt them (GASP) and answer for themselves for once. A woman's answer to that question, contrary to common belief, is a resounding, "Hell no!"

Am I fed up with this tired idea of how women should respond? Yes, and...oh wait.

No. I'm furious.

Works Cited

Clay, Rebecca A. “Just say no.” American Psychological Association, Nov. 2013, pp. 34, www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/say-no. Accessed 24 Jan. 2020.

Fey, Tina. “The Windy City, Full of Meat.” Bossypants, Little, Brown and Company, 2013, pp. 84–85.