Week 3 Post: Impossible Compliments

Note: I'm not trying to be sad or pitiful or some other adjective. I'm actually a super happy person! I only like to tell things how I see them or perceive them, and I like to be open when I have a platform and audience to open myself up to. (Also, all of my writing and past poetry has come out dramatic and full of emotion? I think that's because I'm a thespian, aka actress, at heart. Anyways, I digress.)

     Unlike what the title suggests, it's not just that "impossible compliments" exist, but instead I find that all compliments can't possibly be directed at me.
     Maybe that's an exaggeration, or maybe I only believe compliments from my boyfriend, but somehow I've reached this point in this long journey filled with salt from other people's jokes followed by self-deprecating humor where now I generally don't believe compliments anymore.
     Let me start over. :)
     In Regina Barreca's They Used to Call Me Snow White...But I Drifted, she dives deep into the consequences of self-deprecation. Her example describes how this employee joked about herself being "a dumb blonde" so much that she was identified as such (26). However, in this example, I assume the blonde knows as a fact that she isn't dumb. On the other hand, there's a common idea that if one person says something just enough, even that individual will begin to believe it.
     We've all been teased as kids (or I like to hope so...pretty sure I'm not the only one). At the same time, adults would tote that "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." But, in the end, it's those teasing, "harmless" remarks that built the cornerstone of my self-deprecating jokes and later my self-esteem. Like another student wrote in a post, saying jokes like "I look like trash" or "Wow, pretty sure I wake up on the wrong side of the bed every morning" or "Ha, I got a forehead big enough to land a plane on it" - yes, someone has said this to me, and if this roast hurt anymore than it did, you'd see me with bangs right now :P - will not only turn sour, but will actually stick to your self-esteem like lumps on your back.
     At some point, I said these jokes and took the salt from other people's jokes so much that they're ingrained in me. As an unfortunate result, I struggle to accept compliments that say otherwise. For example, I have this vivid memory where my AP Literature teacher complimented my poetry assignment. When I disregarded her compliment - "Pssh, it was okay" - she got so offended. We both asked the same question: why couldn't I just believe her? Even nowadays I just use humor to deflect compliments:

Mom: Holly, you look so cute!
Me: Not as cute as you - you're looking like a whole meal!*

     At first glance that conversation could just look like me complimenting my mother right back. However, like nearly every conversation I go through, I can never say "Thank you" or just acknowledge that I believe this compliment.  It's as if I'm still sifting through all the salt dumped on me from other people and by myself.

Just a friendly reminder ;)

     However, I'm only open about this because I'm trying to change. The 4th New Year's Resolution on my list: No more jokes aimed at myself. Furthermore, my boyfriend has little tolerance for any negativity that he can disagree with - in his eyes I'm the cutest little bean with a normal-sized forehead. With my boyfriend's support and my own conviction, I hope to regain acceptance of myself and others' compliments.
     Ultimately, this piece is not meant as some icky pity party. Instead, I want my example to serve as a warning: dump this salt. Never be the butt of someone's joke and don't use self-deprecating humor to deal with your past pains. Instead, prove your haters dead wrong and use positive humor to build a new cornerstone for your self-esteem. Disregard any and all negativity and enjoy the compliments you get. Believe the love and support from others, regain your own self-confidence, and don't forget to compliment yourself, too! Every day is a new challenge, but always remember it's a new opportunity to accept your all over again.



Also enjoy my New Year's Resolutions:

(Hope you guys can relate to my crazy list :D)

* note: this conversation happens legit every day. However, the reason why I respond this way now is because my mom doesn't believe my compliment. She really doesn't. That is such a SHAME. Maybe I'm stuck in a generational cycle of not-accepting compliments? Note to self: I better not let my own children do this one day.

Also: s/o to Taylor. I only read halfway through "Oscar the Grouch can see me in court" before I started/finished writing this. When I later saw her comment about being "desensitized [to] the compliments" she had received, I felt so reassured that, wow, yeah, I'm not alone in this. And for anyone else relating to this problem, you're not alone either! :)