Unlike what the title suggests, it's not just that "impossible compliments" exist, but instead I find that all compliments can't possibly be directed at me.
Maybe that's an exaggeration, or maybe I only believe compliments from my boyfriend, but somehow I've reached this point in this long journey filled with salt from other people's jokes followed by self-deprecating humor where now I generally don't believe compliments anymore.
Let me start over. :)
In Regina Barreca's They Used to Call Me Snow White...But I Drifted, she dives deep into the consequences of self-deprecation. Her example describes how this employee joked about herself being "a dumb blonde" so much that she was identified as such (26). However, in this example, I assume the blonde knows as a fact that she isn't dumb. On the other hand, there's a common idea that if one person says something just enough, even that individual will begin to believe it.
We've all been teased as kids (or I like to hope so...pretty sure I'm not the only one). At the same time, adults would tote that "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." But, in the end, it's those teasing, "harmless" remarks that built the cornerstone of my self-deprecating jokes and later my self-esteem. Like another student wrote in a post, saying jokes like "I look like trash" or "Wow, pretty sure I wake up on the wrong side of the bed every morning" or "Ha, I got a forehead big enough to land a plane on it" - yes, someone has said this to me, and if this roast hurt anymore than it did, you'd see me with bangs right now :P - will not only turn sour, but will actually stick to your self-esteem like lumps on your back.
At some point, I said these jokes and took the salt from other people's jokes so much that they're ingrained in me. As an unfortunate result, I struggle to accept compliments that say otherwise. For example, I have this vivid memory where my AP Literature teacher complimented my poetry assignment. When I disregarded her compliment - "Pssh, it was okay" - she got so offended. We both asked the same question: why couldn't I just believe her? Even nowadays I just use humor to deflect compliments:
Mom: Holly, you look so cute!
Me: Not as cute as you - you're looking like a whole meal!*
At first glance that conversation could just look like me complimenting my mother right back. However, like nearly every conversation I go through, I can never say "Thank you" or just acknowledge that I believe this compliment. It's as if I'm still sifting through all the salt dumped on me from other people and by myself.
Just a friendly reminder ;) |
However, I'm only open about this because I'm trying to change. The 4th New Year's Resolution on my list: No more jokes aimed at myself. Furthermore, my boyfriend has little tolerance for any negativity that he can disagree with - in his eyes I'm the cutest little bean with a normal-sized forehead. With my boyfriend's support and my own conviction, I hope to regain acceptance of myself and others' compliments.
Ultimately, this piece is not meant as some icky pity party. Instead, I want my example to serve as a warning: dump this salt. Never be the butt of someone's joke and don't use self-deprecating humor to deal with your past pains. Instead, prove your haters dead wrong and use positive humor to build a new cornerstone for your self-esteem. Disregard any and all negativity and enjoy the compliments you get. Believe the love and support from others, regain your own self-confidence, and don't forget to compliment yourself, too! Every day is a new challenge, but always remember it's a new opportunity to accept your all over again.
Also enjoy my New Year's Resolutions:
(Hope you guys can relate to my crazy list :D)
* note: this conversation happens legit every day. However, the reason why I respond this way now is because my mom doesn't believe my compliment. She really doesn't. That is such a SHAME. Maybe I'm stuck in a generational cycle of not-accepting compliments? Note to self: I better not let my own children do this one day.
Also: s/o to Taylor. I only read halfway through "Oscar the Grouch can see me in court" before I started/finished writing this. When I later saw her comment about being "desensitized [to] the compliments" she had received, I felt so reassured that, wow, yeah, I'm not alone in this. And for anyone else relating to this problem, you're not alone either! :)
I really enjoy the way you describe not-so-nice jokes sticking to a person's self-esteem like lumps on your back, it perfectly describes the way an insecurity feels: not excruciating or horribly awful, but just enough to make you remember it is there, every so often. Also, it is super cool that you are initiating change in your life! The list of New Year's Resolutions seems very appropriate and is definitely something I should start applying to my own life and habits. Having a bad patch in my self-esteem (to relate this back to the point of your post) makes it very difficult for me to keep up relationships with my loved ones and close friends, which is all the more reason to take up arms against self-deprecating jokes! A great reason, also, to start saying "yes please" to compliments (lol, sorry). Positive humor is the new self-deprecating joke!
ReplyDeleteIzzy's final statement in her comment, "Positive humor is the new self-depreciating joke!" sums up how I was about to respond to this post perfectly. My mother always raised me to "kill others with kindness" in the face of the bullying and harassment I faced over my acne, my body type, or my early-developed ample bosom. Like Kelsey pointed out in her post, one of the most powerful things a woman can do is use her words in the face of being silenced. It has become the social-norm to deflect compliments with denial or with a compliment right back. The only way this is ever going to change is if we, the roots of this evil and the participants in these interactions turn the table. It is going to come across as so absurd to take a compliment and make a POSITIVE comment about ourselves that the comment may inherently come off as humorous. Over time, I believe these positive comments can become the norm. Humor will grasp the attention of people and before we know it, the message of self love and appreciation will be everywhere. New plan: women will take over the world by teaching self love and then we will become practically untouchable because we will have shields of self love and confidence that no man or mean girl will be able to break through. We will become untouchable, and all by the power of our own words. OK....maybe that is a bit extreme... but you get the point!
ReplyDeleteHolly,
ReplyDeleteI can certainly relate on your struggle to accept compliments. As an athlete for most of my life, I always felt like I was “almost good” in my ten years of playing basketball. I can confidently say that I was a great shooter (I worked extremely hard to become that). The only problem is that I rarely played during my last two years on varsity. My coach would complement me and my other teammates who didn’t play and we could never take it seriously. I’m sure not everyone can relate to being benched as an athlete, but I certainly understand the struggle to take a compliment to heart.
Love the ideas being worked out in this post and in these comments. I sometimes struggle to take a compliment (but it depends on what it is about, I think?). I have a good friend who can *never* take a compliment and it kind of breaks my heart. To be a successful, smart, and accomplished woman and not be able to have people acknowledge it? So sad!
ReplyDeleteIts crazy how much I relate to this. When I was in middle school I used to be really ashamed of what my mom called my devil curls (the baby hairs on the side of the front of my head. To stop them from showing I would always wear a head band but this guy made a joke about how big my forehead was. I remember going straight to the bathroom and almost missing all of class to cry in a stall. I have not worn a head band since, and at this point I don't really like them anyway because they always fall off my head. I usually find myself saying things like "Whatever" (sarcastically) or "yeah but you are more so" to fend off compliments. I've been stirving to be more confident as well!
ReplyDelete