My resolution for 2020 is to set more healthy boundaries between myself and the people I surround myself with. When I read "treat your career like a bad boyfriend" from Yes, Please I found the inspiration I needed to make that happen. I particularly loved the section in which she describes all the ways she unapologetically tells people to back off (218). It started with the man who dropped a script on her lap (incredibly rude, by the way). There is something strange about the way strangers feel entitled to my personal time and space, which is why I'd like to share a story that made me angry.
A few months ago, there was a post that went viral (only because of the large amounts of people calling this guy out) written by a man who claimed to be a "nice guy." His argument was that if he messages a woman and she doesn't answer him, she's a bitch. Most people replying to this post were on the same page: that his idea was bogus. Until we came to a guy I'll call Jack.
Jack is a guy who decided to mansplain why he was entitled to a response. Over and over he stated that there was no harm in just replying "no thanks, I'm not interested." Over and over I explained to him that yes, there is harm! I sent him a link to a list of news articles of all the women who have been assaulted or murdered after saying "no" to a man's advances. I explained how usually in response to my "I'm not interested" messages, I'd get something back that said "that's fine, you're ugly anyways." Ignoring the message saves time and self esteem. Jack seemed to think I should still risk being insulted, assaulted, or murdered in order to not hurt his feelings. Jack is still single, if you were wondering.
Back to Amy Poehler. What I loved about this section in Yes, Please is the fact that she did not just say "no," but she called them out. She said "No, you do not value my time." "No, you're not respecting my personal space." "No, you're putting your needs before mine." I think for the most part we are all uncomfortable with this idea of being so straight forward, even though it could benefit us. I have been learning to be more selfish with my time and energy. When I get an unwanted message from a guy like Jack, maybe next time instead of ignoring it, I'll answer it. "No, you seem creepy-stalkerish and I value my life and safety." How do you think that would go over?
Why are we so uncomfortable setting boundaries for ourselves? Why do we feel the need to give and give to everyone around us? Why do we get so nervous to say "no" to even our closest friends? These are all questions that I'm sure have some kind of psychological answer, but I'd like to hear what you all have to say. For me, I think I am just hard-wired to want to help everyone before I help myself, but I realize that I cannot dip from an empty well. I have to take care of myself before I can help others. Even knowing this, it is still hard to actually practice because conveniently, I am also hard-wired to believe that putting my own needs first is selfish. I love that for me!
Cheyenne, I feel the same way about wanting but also not wanting to help others before you help yourself. It is incredibly difficult to break that cycle and deviate from something you're so used to doing. I'm honestly still working (and failing) on that myself, but it is inspiring to know that I'm not alone in this battle! I also just couldn't believe the audacity of "Jack" and his comments. It really sucks to think about it this way, but how did us women inherit exhausting and sometimes dangerous selflessness while men were taught to be arrogant babies who would rather have someone get murdered than their feelings get hurt? I'd like to take an axe to his feelings, hehe.
ReplyDeleteI could puke thinking about Jack's response (and similar ones I've seen.) It has made me come to the conclusion that there is nothing worse than a man who thinks he is God's gift to women. Jack reminds me of the dude I wrote about in my post last week, just genuinely terrible. Your final paragraph hit me hard, it's something I think about a lot and am constantly trying to work on. It's so much easier to give in than to defend yourself, but the repercussions are so hurtful, so why do I keep doing it???
ReplyDeleteWow, I see this in my own life way too much. I have the HARDEST time being honest and straightforward with people that creep me out or that I want to get away from. Instead, I tend to just ignore them or throw them hints until I hope they just get it. Why can't I be more honest? Why can't I be more straightforward and just call out all of their BS and weirdness? Maybe it's an expectation for women to just be nice and put up with all the weirdness in order to not risk being called a hoe or something rude. Who knows. Regardless, it's definitely not healthy or safe for me to continue treading on this path.
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