If you're trying to make everyone like you and you consciously don't like that, clap your hands! If you're trying to be a leader but keep making yourself seem less worthy because you're expected to, clap your hands!

     Growing up, when I would ask my brother to get me a glass of water, he and my mother would call me “bossy”. Why are you asking him to get you a glass of water? You can do it yourself. But the minute he needed a glass of water, I was expected to stop whatever I was doing and grant his request. He asked you nicely. Why can’t you do that when you ask? 

   As the both of us have gotten older, my mother knows my brother can grab himself a glass of water. But she still claims that I am “bossy” when I ask my brother for favors.  

     For a long time, I saw myself as a know-it-all who wanted to be in charge. I thought taking the lead was going to make my peers not like me, so I stayed quiet while other kids led groups. When I raised my hand in class, I constantly felt I was being watched, judged. If I answered wrong, I imagined the looks of glee on everyone’s face as they snickered. Even today I sometimes catch myself doubting my choices, my language, my relationships. Am I being too blunt? Should I have sugar-coated that? Are they mad that I told them my honest opinion? I should apologize for speaking up. I should have asked more nicely. 

     As I tried to decide what I wanted to discuss in this blog post, I asked myself the following questions: How many times did I ask if someone was okay with my opinions? How many times today did I apologize for saying something that didn’t even warrant an apology? How many times did I say something serious, but laugh so people wouldn’t judge me? How many times did I “beat the others to the punch line” and I make myself the victim, making myself the butt of jokes so other people would leave me alone (Barecca, 25)? Being in a position of authority in a couple of groups on campus doesn’t make any of this easier. 

     In the introduction of Bossypants, Fey acknowledges that she has been asked different variations of “How does it feel to be the boss?” (5). The question itself sounds demeaning, as if the position is somehow less valuable with a woman in charge than a man. I understand how hurtful and offensive this question really is, since my dad asked me this. As a kid, my dad told me that I could do anything that I put my mind to. Then, out of the blue during the summer, when we were arguing about where I should study abroad (I want to go to Morocco and he wants me to go anywhere but Morocco), he said he and my mom made a mistake when they raised me, that I shouldn’t have grown up thinking I can do “whatever want”. 

     That stung. Knowing my own father was not supporting my dreams made me question everything yet again. Should I listen to him? Is this really a bad decision? Should I apologize? Am I being too stubborn?This is where I was expected to give in instead of speaking my mind (Barecca, 5). 

     This all connects to the Good Girl complex (Barecca, 4). There are physical expectations, like the lists of examples Fey composed when discussing body image (20-21, 23), or the pages upon pages of beauty and sex tips in magazines in grocery store checkout lines. There are expectations in romantic relationships, like the ones Barreca discusses in They Used to Call Me Snow White...But I Drifted. There are expectations for interactions with peers, like apologizing for having an unpopular opinion or an idea that isn't going to work. There are expectations with family, like striking up conversation with family members who keep asking if I have a boyfriend (“No, I’m not interested in being with anyone” is apparently not an appropriate answer at family gatherings, which is why I no longer go to them), yet ignoring what I want to talk about, which is politics and world news (Barecca, 5). I see how society expects me to look and act. And I know who my parents want me to be, which was not “bossy”.  

     Fey and Barecca made me realize that my choices are my own, and I owe no apologies for being a “know-it-all", “stubborn”, or “bossy”. I want to be a leader, and those labels drive me to be exactly what they suggest, and that’s how I know I’m doing the right thing. Although I'm not ready to say "I don't fucking care what you think" (as much as I would love to be Amy Poehler), I'll be damned if I don't try to say it.