I wonder if I could get the phrase “I look like trash” copyrighted. Of course Oscar the Grouch may have beaten me to the punch, but I like to think that I deserve it more. I use that phrase like our president uses twitter. It’s a constant, and like Donald’s tweets, is never very beneficial to anyone involved. So why does this cycle of phrase persist? I don’t actually look like trash. Except the one time I went into the dumpster outside my apartment building to try and find my keys I had lost. That were actually sitting comfortably on the hood of my car, like any self loving set of keys does. They must have been too good for the dumpster I threw myself into, since only one of us came out smelling like spoiled coffee and old fast food.
Unlike that bonding experience with my car keys, I don’t normally live up to the phrase “I look like trash”. Yet it is used so occasionally I should probably just get it tattooed, so when my memory starts failing I won’t forget the most essential part of my vocabulary. I have been taught that you connect with others over unhappiness. Otherwise people are intimidated, insulted or turned off. So we must rely on compensation from others to be acknowledged for what we are. Well, life lesson: if you rely only on compensation you will try to kill your step daughter from intense jealousy, then later be chased by a dozen or so people of small stature off of a mountain after you poisoned her with a tree fruit. Not exactly the way I planned on going out, so I may as well learn from snow white and just be okay with complimenting myself.
I had my revelation from a disney classic, but so many other women still struggle with the same issue. We have retreated ourselves back into self deprecating jokes that were designed to put us down, i'm assuming because it was too exhausting for close minded men to do. So we just took it upon ourselves, as to gain some sort of control over what insulting thing we heard. It may seem to hurt less when it comes from ourselves, but it is the painless wounds that hurt us the most in the end.
I have become desensitized to the self deprecation, and in my case, has also made me desensitized by the compliments and graciousness I receive. It has put me in a plateau that seems impossible to get out of. I have sunken myself so low that even the occasional life raft of compliments can’t pull me out. It is a mindset I have grown up diligently learning from the women in my life. A mindset similar to the plague, contagious and deadly. At least to our confidence.
So how can we change it? Is it something we can change? Or is it an unbreakable contract we signed with society. That women should always look down upon themselves as to not make waves. A contract that’s only requirement is the popular self deprecating humor we spread to the surrounding population. The jokes and comments that add weight to our shoulders and our souls. Till we hit the ground unable to accept the things that will allow us to stand again.
I refuse to accept that hope is lost, that it is unchangeable. I may not believe it, but I can say I am beautiful, successful and proud. It may be hard to accept, but once you hear something enough it starts to stick. I hope that once it sticks to me it's like dog hair. Impossible to get off, even with the best lint rollers.Yes, your black pants are screwed. But so is the social constructs that put me into a box and told me to be meek.
I will be a change, my daughter will grow up and learn the way of the force. Just kidding..kind of. She will however, learn to love herself. She will learn that society has negative things to say, but she has the power to let them hurt her. She will (hopefully have the force) and have the confidence that allows her to become resistant to the plague of self deprecation that has infested the women in this world. The growth will have to start with us, and continue if we hope to change the norm, and bring about free healthcare! Okay.. maybe a little too bold for our country, but we can at least bring about change in the mindset of women. To help the next generation of leaders and voices.
I agree that self-deprecating humor has gone too far in recent years. If you put yourself down long enough, it becomes an unhealthy lifestyle rather than just a joke. We should all try to erase the phrase 'I look like trash' from our vocabularies.
ReplyDeleteI have noticed that with our generation self-deprecating humor is so common that when people say it, including myself, older generations are taken back. We have become so nonchalant with saying things about ourselves that would ultimately be very hurtful to others, that we don't realize that it's dangerous to our self image. One way I try to combat it, is whenever my friends say things like "I look like trash" or "I look like a potato" I find the positives. For instance, "I look like trash" I respond, "what is trash to one if gold to another, you my friend are a rare find that is treasured." And when I hear "I look like a potato", I respond, "ahh yes you may think that you are a potato, but a potato is so versatile, so many options. SOOOO you are versatile and capable of so many things." It's strange answers their not expecting and it in the end has made them laugh and become slightly more confident!
ReplyDeleteThis post does a good job being funny about a serious topic. Well done!
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ReplyDeleteI, like Vivienne, appreciate the cynical nature of your post. I like that your cynicism translates into humor throughout your post. In regards to learning to love yourself, and stop saying you look like trash, it is indeed a process. I think I speak for most women when I say we're all plagued by this socially engrained self. depreciation. It unfortunately seems that those who are not seem to be called vain and conceded and are then pulled down by society for being as such. It seems like it may be a never ending cycle, but I think maybe if we get enough people on board we can see a positive feedback loop forming in society which fuels self love and self appreciation. There will always be grouches who pull others back, but I say we gang up on them and use our "force" of self love and self appreciation to turn them over to the (not-so) dark side. Also--I'm very glad you found your keys, but dumpster diving will always make for a GREAT story!
I am guilty of many of the sins in your post. My friends are the same way. They put themselves down in a joking way, or play off compliments like they could not possibly be about them. Someone could say "you look nice today!" and their first instinct is to reply "oh really? I think I just look particularly bad every other day so in comparison, today is just okay." I noticed my mother does it a lot, too! One thing I have learned is that what you say becomes what you think, and what you think is what you are. I have found that adding "at least I'm doing the damn thing" to the end of self-deprecating statements makes me feel better about myself. I get up most mornings and think "I look awful, I feel tired, but hey, at least I'm doing the damn thing" and then I take myself to class. Life can get everybody down sometimes; try not to get yourself down, as well.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, I have only come in contact with you a hand full of times this semester, but you have never looked like trash :-)
Your post was so charmingly hilarious; I absolutely loved it! There's no surprise here that I, too, struggle with overusing self-deprecating humor. It is something we all have been taught to do, and it is, unfortunately, incredibly normalized in our culture. This normalization is especially true when it involves women, and we've touched on that in class in response to our Fern and Barreca readings. When you mentioned that you've become alarmingly desensitized to self-deprecation and compliments, I completely related to that. It makes me so uncomfortable to receive compliments, and I almost always follow them with denial or a joke to ease my anxiousness. Having been someone who used to be so invested in their looks due to societal pressure, it is hard for me to ever feel pretty anymore now that I'm in college and have no time for anything. I really sympathized with Cheyenne's comment for this reason. It is hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm doing the best I can, and at least I'm trying and getting up in the morning for class.
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