This one's for Kobe.
And for my dad.
And for all the parents who smiled proudly when people asked, "another girl?"
It's easy to miss all the small ways our world tries to inaccurately define girls and women--always depicting us as too much or not enough. As I've been watching interviews and reading quotes from people who were affected by the death of Kobe Bryant, I've come across multiple statements of people saying that he and Vanessa needed to have a boy to carry on the legacy. Many people also said that when statements like this were made, Kobe's thirteen-year-old daughter, Gigi, was quick to jump in with an, "excuse me...I got that." Kobe always believed that his daughters were powerful and capable, and he made sure to instill that confidence in them. He knew that he didn't need to have a son to carry on his athletic legacy; Gigi had that taken care of. Many of his fans weren't so sure about that.
Another example I want to point out is something I hear all the time. It's said casually and often followed by some sort of laughter, although I know it's not a joke. If you're familiar with Instagram, you know that a feature was recently added where you can choose a filter that will randomly ask you a question, and you can post your reply on your story for your followers to see. Someone I follow was using this a few days ago and was asked the question, "how many kids do you want?" Her answer:
"Hmmm...I don't really know. Maybe 3? I'm not really sure about the number, I just hope I'm a boy mom. Because, you know, boys are so fun and adventurous, and I just don't wanna deal with girl drama. I know how high maintenance I am, so I don't want to have to deal with that. So, I'm not really sure about a number, but I hope I have all boys!"
Now, before we band together for a collective roast session, I have a confession. I, too, have said this. I have said the words, "I hope I'm a boy mom." Mainly because during my babysitting days, there was one family I worked for that had four boys and they were so fun--my favorite family I ever worked with. But why did I equate those boys being fun to mean that all little girls must not be? I didn't realize how utterly stupid my thought process had been until I saw this girl's answer on her Instagram. The System that's working against women, that's working against me, the one I thought I was actively fighting against? Yeah, it got me too.
How absurd is it for someone to say that Kobe's legacy would have been lost because he didn't have a son, when he had a daughter who was a beast at basketball? (That was hard to type. I know she would've been on all kinds of headlines and sports networks and talk shows. And I'm so sad.) How ignorant to assume that to have a care-free, adventurous life, your family must be made up entirely of sons? I hope as people continue to make these claims out loud, they realize how awful they are the minute they leave their tongue. I hope people listening hear how backwards it is, like I did. I hope I continue to see and change the pieces of myself that have fallen into the ways of the System.
I loved what you said about the family of boys. I am the oldest of a family of four boys and we do tend to have a lot of fun. I have often said to myself though, "It's a good thing we never had a sister." Not because I don't think she could handle us, but because she would never be allowed to have a boyfriend. She would be OUR sister and only ours. And while I have also heard that some people wish for all boy families, I personally hope my first child is a girl. Probably because I didn't have any sisters.
ReplyDeleteI love this. :') Every time I hear the phrase "girl dad" I think of my dear, sweet Brian. He always says he wouldn't trade being a girl dad for anything (which makes me feel like a pretty good daughter.) I'm also guilty of wanting to be a boy mom, but only in the sense that I want a boy first, and definitely a daughter second. Can't wait until you're a mom, you're gonna be so good at it.
ReplyDeleteGreat piece Aneyla,
ReplyDeleteIt is so relatable as I have only grown up with sisters and have found myself wishing for a son and have always wanted a brother because my sisters weren't the wrestling, get dirty types like I was.
My eldest sister however is only half blood related and she grew up with more brothers than sisters (we were her only sisters) and we weren't around as much. She now has two children (both sons) and although she loves both of her sons very much, she has always wished for a girl.
This aside, I truly believe it depends on the environment you grow up into and your entire piece touched on this. It gave a perspective from your life that I found interestingly beautiful, and also gave a glimpse of why, not all, but many women and men (like in the example you touched on that connected to Kobe Bryant) hope for specific genders when they have their own children, to experience something different.