I identify myself as a Good Girl from Barreca's They Used to Call Me Snow White... But I Drifted almost more than what's considered healthy. A Good Girl is described as a "Barbie doll, the virgin sacrifice, and the potentially perfect wife all at once", but - speaking from personal experience - I could also describe them as doormats and two-faced (3). While the "Good Girl routine" in small doses can make others feel good about themselves, it can ultimately hurt oneself more than it helps.
Part of this routine includes hiding behind a mask of innocence and naivete, a role I recently played at New Years. I was seated across a Christian mom and her Christian son, and she was joking about how her recently-married son has been "bragging" about sex (without ever actually using the word "sex") since he and his Good Girl waited until marriage. Of course, I chimed into the conversation with a confused "What?" to pretend like I didn't know what he was bragging about, all just to uphold my innocent Good Girl persona.
Although it was partly to fool the other Christian party members while I enjoyed pulling this charade, I also knew that I was truly maintaining a lie. This persona was only protection, only a mask to hide behind, and only to keep others from knowing the truth - I'm not a perfect little darling. In fact, I'm lying to myself more than anything, and being this Good Girl is poisoning my insides.
Also, being a Good Girl honestly makes me a doormat. While it's kind to show others appreciation and encouragement, I also hate helping boys with homework that don't deserve my help. I hate listening to men's boring stories because they're starving for attention. Any Good Girl understands that I have had to "'fake a passion that's bound to turn men on'", and yet my biggest fear is giving them so much attention that they turn desperate for more (which is why I carry pepper spray) (5). Why am I doing this? Why am I being stepped on for strangers that deserve not even an ounce of attention?
The biggest consequence of this Good Girl routine is how much it has turned me into a no-good liar. I feign interest, I pretend to be naive, I smile through my teeth, and I really am lying to myself. Because, through it all, I lie and say I'm protecting their feelings when truly I'm protecting my own. I'm sure other Good Girls understand that, while there is truth to this routine, I'm also scared to be hated or rejected if I'm unapologetically myself. Is it honest or is it rude to say I'm not interested in other people's stories? Is it being real or being scandalous to say, duh, I know they're talking about sex? And, will others accept me if I'm not this perfect pillar of purity and sweetness? I hope to find out.
While a change is a process and not something immediate, I'm striving to be more honest this year. Although it's nice to extend kindness and attention to others, I also have to take care of myself and be more upfront about how I feel. Soon enough I can drop this charade, and maybe there's a chance I can share what's really underneath my Good Girl mask.
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ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story, I found it enlightening what you brought up about the "good girl" routine. You made a connection to male violence I had never thought of before. Although it makes sense. The socially constructed norm of women pleasing men, and being innocent and pleasant. Has built a stereotype of women that make men believe they can take advantage of our attention and even our bodies. It is kind of scary to think that the way we portray ourselves can have such an affect that our own law system still sees rape as controversial because women are here to please, and boys will be boys..
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post--and moving, too--that blends the personal and the scholarly (with your use of Barreca). I think you are being a bit hard on yourself, but I get it. Believe me, I do!
ReplyDeleteI found this blog post to be rather relatable. I to have felt like a doormat in my life, but the kind you can flip over and the other side is still functional. All my life, especially since being raised as a God Girl, I have been walked all over. People carried the mud and filth from their life and oh so willingly just wiped it all over me before welcoming themselves into MY life. How kind!! They always say sharing is caring! :) The front side, the well used side, of my made was torn to shreds beyond functionality by the time I graduated from high school. The alternate side to my mat was beginning to show through. While this side looked practically identical, this side, from years of being face down, scuffed around and hidden away from the beautiful light of day had HAD ENOUGH. When I arrived at college, I filled my doormat over and I let her almost-new self shine through. I let her see the light of day. She did me well. She only looked so new, people decided to just leave her be. Less and less people came by my home to use my doormat since only people I chose to invite into my life came over, and low and behold, these people didn't want even need to wipe their feet all over my almost new doormat. These people just chose to leave their shoes by the door if they were covered in mud, or they were smart enough not to just walk through the muddy lawn of my suite in order to visit me. They chose to use the perfectly functional sidewalk Shepherd University was so kind to have all over its campus! My mat will wear with age, but so be it. At least my mat knows to take no shit from people now. Your post really made me ponder this analogy, as you may notice from my comment. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you recognize that this letting down the good girl facade isn't immediate and that it is a process. For what it is worth, I am rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteI want to start off by saying wow. This was a powerful post. I truly resonated with what you said about having to cater to your audience by pretending you are someone you're not. Growing up in the church I have done this so many times, playing the good girl persona, and acting as if I didn't know things I obviously did. I also loved that you tied it into how we have to worry about how much attention we give to men is too much. It's the thing we've been taught to be careful about since middle school, because some men can't understand that sometimes a woman just wants to have a conversation.
ReplyDeleteWow I love how brutally honest you were about this. I grew up in a Christian family where sex was never talked about. I actually remember when I was around 9 I asked what "virginity" meant and nobody would tell me. I kept being told to pray about "the virgin Mary" but I did not have any idea what being a virgin meant or why it was so important. Once my older sister finally told me it meant "never had sex," I had to act like I didn't know what sex was. I totally can relate to this Good Girl struggle. Over time it has been so freeing to take that mask off. It is hard to learn to laugh at things you weren't allowed to laugh at before. It is hard to un-learn all the dumb rules impounded into your brain as a young girl. I wish you nothing but the best as you figure this difficult, confusing journey out.
ReplyDeleteI honestly loved this so much. I was like this quite a bit in my last relationship because my exboyfriends mom was very Christian. Around her I would sit up right, and keep my mouth shut unless she asked me a question. Its not that I didnt want her to know me its just because she wouldn't like the so called bad girl inside. I love how honest you were in your post. I hated being around his mom because I knew I was lying to her and myself about who I was and how I felt. I'm so glad this was something I could relate to.
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