First Love

Warning: ha, this post is gonna be gushy and emotionally embarrassing. For me, not for you guys of course - maybe just sympathetic embarrassment. We'll find out. Also, if y'all want all this tea, have fun and struggle - this will be an extra long post/rant.

~~~

I loved Holmes' description of his first love and his perfect bubble. Through his wonderful imagery, I was brought back to my middle school and early high school days, back to when I had these crazy crushes on dudes and lived in these cutesy little bubbles.

So, in honor of his story, I'm here to share the details of my ooey-gooey pure life and how I fell for my boyfriend. I don't know - I just like sharing random stuff with you guys. So, enjoy it, weirdos. ;P

---

...I never dated anyone until my current boyfriend. Personally, I never wanted to date anyone unless it was a long-term thing, because I believe dating "for experience" is an excuse to just catch feelings, get physical, post each other on Insta, and then break each others' feelings. (That's for me personally - y'all make your own choices.) Nope, I wasn't going to date someone unless it was the real deal.

Anyways, the story of falling in love with my boyfriend, Cole, is a long one, and I'm proud of that. I never wanted to rush and be like how Holmes described himself: "like single cans of beer bouncing around the truck of a car, and when someone comes along and fishes that can out and opens it, it makes a great big mess" (78).

August, 2016: So, we first technically met in my first period class the sophomore year after I moved from Louisiana to Maryland. Emphasis on "technically" because I was shy, didn't talk to anyone, and we only spoke after his friend got a big crush on me... who later moved, thank God because he was a hot creep. After that, Cole's friend Tyler sat where the creep used to sit, which was on my right, and Cole sat across the aisle on my immediate left. So, we somehow became a trio after the course of two months.

February 17th, 2017: Cole's girlfriend broke up with him, and wow he got extra depressed. Like, ready to jump off a building depressed. And he was one of my closest friends, and I was his nicest, truest friend, so I was constantly there for him. And I told him I loved him, but as a friend, duh. I knew I wasn't going to date him then - I ain't about that emotional baggage. Anyways, he stopped being so suicidal after a month or so when he started going to my church's youth group and was an official born-again Christian, but he was still somewhat depressed and negative for about a year. (Old habits die hard, and all that.)

Summer, 2017: My best friend, Becky, had the biggest crush on Cole, but at the same time I could tell Cole was progressively getting a bigger crush on me (we're both huge nerds - it was bound to happen). And of course Becky had no idea Cole had feelings for me. So, yeah, guys, I was in a legit love triangle where Becky loved Cole who loved me who loved myself and food. It was whack.

Start of Junior Year, 2017: Cole officially said he has a crush on me. And I shut him down... Also, his ex-girlfriend found out he liked me while we were attending the Homecoming dance. She was my date as my friend, and then found out and blew me off all night. (Later, she'd mis-remember and say I blew her off, which was incorrect. Of course, this story has no purpose - she's just a butthole.)

Middle of Junior Year, 2018: Cole and his ex started dating again, like idiots (because I didn't want Cole to have another depression episode). And then they broke up again at some point. He didn't have a depression episode, thankfully, but it was whack.

Summer, 2018: My best friend, Becky, didn't like Cole because of his emotional baggage, so that was stressful. Another best friend of mine, James, also got a crush on me at some point (because he's also a nerd, and if there were more female nerds out there, I wouldn't be getting all this fun nerdy attention). And Cole admitted to having a crush on me again, which I shut him down again. Of course, I think he had a crush on me a lot, but it's hard when you can't do much about it. I think it was this time though that he said if I ever wanted to date him, that he would be down to date me. And I always remembered this promise.

October 31st, 2018: Lol, my best friend, Becky, started getting closer with her best friend, Dani - probably because they could do drugs together, I don't know. Anyways, Cole hung out with me tonight when I didn't have anyone else. This day also signaled a shift where Becky started hanging out with me less and I started relying on Cole more. Also, I've always been able to talk to Cole about all of my emotional baggage because of when I've carried his emotional baggage, so he became my #1 best friend some time after this.

Cole and I both accidentally dressed as memes! I'm Damian from Mean Girls and he's the Flex Tape spokesman.

Thanksgiving party: Cole and Becky argued about who's my favorite. I told Becky she was, but Cole knows he is. Kinda crazy time.

Cole and I at Thanksgiving with Becky (bottom left) and Dani (upper left). Really shows our priorities in this photo, I think.

Christmas season: Cole got me this thoughtful present where he collected messages from all my friends about how much they care about me. He also put in this huge letter for me, too. And I'm very self-conscious about gifts and everything because I don't get enough gifts to feel affirmations from my friends, so this gift was perfect. During this time, I started falling head over heels.

Christmas season-February: I really did start falling head over heels, but it wasn't like crushes I've had before. It was worse: for some reason I had this almost supernatural need to touch him. And not in a weird or sexual way - keep your ideas to yourselves, ladies - but it was like I had to. It's like an itch, and if I wasn't scratching it, I was losing my mind. So, I would put my head on his shoulder or put my leg next to his or grab his arm, but this "itch" was always there now.

February 17th, 2019 : there was this awesome all-day event my youth group planned where we'd hang out, go see a movie, play in this arcade, and be our friends all day. Becky didn't go, so the only people I hung out with were Cole and my little sister, Maggie. At one point, I remember my "itch" to touch Cole got so bad that I rested my head on his shoulder in front of everyone. While it sounds childish, I was someone that rarely if ever openly likes someone, so all of our friends took notice. And that day I realized that I needed to ask out Cole. I mean, he has always been there for me and he's overly sweet and nice and adorkable and wow this crush was getting so out-of-control.

February, 25th, 2019: so far I've wimped out of asking out Cole. But, today was a Monday, and so the latest episode of this anime Cole and I were watching came out. So, I went to his house, and we watched it together. And I started cuddling him. So, damn, I was losing my mind and had to ask him out for sure. (I'm a sucker for cuddles, guys, who isn't?)

February, 28th, 2019: I gave him a bag of his favorite candy and a new phone case (because he didn't have one for his new phone), and on the back of the phone case it said "Will you go out with me?" with a box to check "yes" and another box that probably said "definitely yes." Aaaaaand of course Cole thought it was a joke at first, but I said I was seriously. And so we were officially dating as of 6:56 PM, February 28th, 2019.

From February, 28th, 2019, to today: the beginning was more crazy and sweet, but at this point in the relationship, we've had mainly highs, a few lows. Also, I see now that Cole was my first true love, and no bubble I've experienced in the past compares to what we have now. Overall we've been having the greatest time together, and I don't want this to ever end. Of course, being close as a couple is hard with the quarantine separating us physically, but we're going to make it. :)

---

So, what's the point, besides me over-sharing my life just because? Well, in my opinion, I think real love isn't a bubble, but it's a sweet cloud. Sometimes it's light and airy, and sometimes it's a thundercloud. Sometimes it snows, and sometimes it's a dense, confusing fog. But, ultimately, a cloud has possibilities and it's full of hope. We can mold this cloud to whatever we want it to be and push it in the right direction and just hope it stays afloat. So, I hope you guys have your own clouds to uplift or you're waiting for the right season and the right conditions. Whatever the case, I'm hopeful for my own cloud. We have some storms and windy days, but there are more peaceful, perfect days than anything, and I can't wait to see where my cloud goes.