How I Got Here

WARNING: sexual violence/suicide 

We are all pretty much in agreement with one simple fact: this class changed everything. I am so glad I got to be a part of something so big, and it definitely opened my eyes to a lot I hadn't paid any attention to or thought about before. While reading the blogs all semester, everybody was opening up about their own experiences, and I didn't feel comfortable enough to ever speak up. I am still learning to be comfortable with people outside of those I've known my entire life. That being said, I wanted to tell the story of Good Sean, Bad Sean, Dr. Hanrahan, and GWST 350. 

When I was 15, I was sexually assaulted on New Year's Eve by a boy that nobody would've ever believed assaulted me. I'll call him Bad Sean. He was a middle class white boy who got straight A's, played soccer, and liked art. His family was well liked in the community and he had a spotless reputation. 

Bad Sean was best friends with my ex-boyfriend. After he assaulted me, he told all his friends about how "easy" I was. The next two months of my life consisted only of bullying and harassment by a group of them. They would add me to group chats that were dedicated to making fun of how I looked and how much of a whore I was. I blocked their numbers. They would snapchat me and let me know they still think I'm an ugly slut. I blocked their snapchats. They tweeted at me publicly to make sure I remembered how little I was worth. I blocked them on twitter. So they reached out to other friends that I did not have blocked, and they'd let me know how they felt. 

The worst of it came from a boy named Ryan. He told me that my life was worthless, I was unlovable, and that I didn't deserve to live. I took his word on it and tried to take my own life. The next day, I woke up. Thank God. 

Up until this point, I hadn't told anyone what happened. I didn't have very many friends and wasn't sure how to reach out for help. Then I got a message on Facebook from Good Sean. He was a friend I had for years and while we had drifted apart, we always came back together again eventually. He was 2 years older than me which put him at 18 at the time. He was a certified Badass (capital B). Good Sean would fight anybody that messed with his friends or family (and he always won the fights). I opened up to him and let him know about everything that had gone down. The assault, the bullying, the suicide attempt. He believed me, which was new in my world. 

The day after I'd told Good Sean about what happened, I went to the movies to see Insurgent. I messaged Good Sean and invited him up to the mall. He walked 2 miles to get there (I didn't find out until much later that he never had a ride to any of our hangouts, and would walk 3 towns over sometimes without complaining or even mentioning it). We sat down in a packed theater and 2 minutes later, 3 boys walked in and sat behind us. 

I turned around and there was Ryan, who had told me only days ago that my life was worthless. He had 2 friends with him that also sent me many hateful messages despite the fact that I'd never even spoken to them before. I whispered to Good Sean that those were the boys bullying me. With no hesitation, Good Sean turned around and said "Hey man. You don't know me and I already bought my movie ticket so I'm going to watch the movie, but after it ends, we're going outside and I'm going to beat your ass. See ya then." He turned back around and patted my leg as if to say "I got it." I knew he meant it. Like I mentioned before, though, Good Sean was 18 and Ryan was 15/16. I knew he'd get in a lot of trouble if he truly did fight him, so I asked Good Sean if he could just make him apologize and leave me alone. Again without hesitation, he turned around and said "Cheyenne's a nice girl so she'll settle for an apology." Before he finished his sentence, Ryan was begging for forgiveness. Every time he apologized for something, Good Sean would say "okay and what else?" Ryan was putty in his hands. It was awesome. 

They left me alone after that. In fact, Ryan has apologized a million times since then and we actually became acquaintances. That was a hard apology to accept, but I knew if I carried around that hate in my heart, it would only hurt me. 

In 2018, I started at Shepherd University. I was in Dr. Hanrahan's English 204 honors course. It was my only semester as an honor's student and although I didn't need that class to graduate, I took it anyways. I didn't even particularly like English or literature. It's a mystery to me how I ended up in that class but I am so glad I did. 

On October 30th, 2018, Good Sean took his own life. He had a really rough childhood and had recently lost his father. He didn't reach out to anyone for help. He got involved in drugs to cope with depression. I found out through Facebook. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to cope with in my entire life, partly because I had just lost a friend and partly because he had saved my life at one point and I couldn't save his. Mostly because we had always drifted apart and back together again, and he took his life while we were apart.

I had a project due in Dr. Hanrahan's class 1 week after Sean took his life. I hadn't talked to or opened up to anybody, and I could feel myself spiraling. I went to Dr. Hanrahan's office hours to discuss my project because it was required. I can't exactly remember how it went down, but at some point I mentioned that I had just lost a friend. She gave me an extension on the project and reminded me to take it easy on myself. I ended up going to counseling on campus the next week, and every week for a year after. That one small action by Dr. Hanrahan stopped my spiraling and helped me stand back up on my feet. 

While I was looking for classes to take for this semester, I saw that she was teaching a seminar class. It was full, so I couldn't register for it. I saw her at a basketball game and asked the topic of the seminar which is when she told me "gender and humor." I knew there was no way I was going to miss out on it because it is my favorite professor teaching my dream class. I looked at Rail everyday until a spot opened up. I'm not sure who dropped the class, but I'm so glad they did.

This class has helped me so much in so many ways. I didn't know what I was missing until I found a big group of women (&Nick) that all shared similar thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I am forever grateful for everything I've learned here. I hope we all cross paths again at some point because there truly was not one person in the class that I couldn't see myself being friends with. I love everybody.