I love who I love, so get over it :P

Hey Everyone! I sooooooooo miss being in class to see you all since this class was DEFINITELY my favorite to go to in person. Gosh darn this pandemic!

Anyway, after reading all of these pieces by Branum, his discussion of his sexuality and how he came to terms with it personally and with family has been making me feel really introspective. Its been making me think how I personally relate to this, which is my own journey of my sexuality. So, since I can’t stop thinking about it, I’m gonna write about it. Be prepared, it’s going to be a long one….

Buckle up buttercups, and here we go!

So, my journey unofficially started back in middle school in sixth grade when my best friend and I had a rumor about the two of us being a lesbian couple. At the time, I was fully convinced I was straight, and the only reason the rumor happened was because my friend and I hung out ALL the time and the dude behind it was stupid and mean. My friend’s mom took care of it, the rumor stopped after less than a week, and we all moved on.

The next time something happened was sometime in high school, and I think it was around sophomore year, so I would’ve been 15. I am very affectionate with all of my friends, since I show my love for others through physical touch, so I would regularly hug, hold-hands, and kiss the foreheads/top of their heads of my friends who were comfortable with it. Anyway, me and a very close friend of mine would regularly hold hands in the hallway when we would go to classes together, and we were both in the color guard at our high school. So, the one day when we get to color guard, a few of the girls on the team come up to us and ask, “Hey, are the two of you dating?” The both of us were obviously surprised, and we both said
“no, we’re just friends” while laughing the whole time. We moved on, and I didn’t think anything about it.

The first time I really started to question my sexuality was around junior year of high school, and it wasn’t because I had a crush on a girl or anything. It was because I realized I didn’t find women UN-attractive. Like Branum talks about on page 173, I was wondering if these feelings were real or fantasy, and it was very shocking to realize it was very real. I genuinely thought women and any other gender identification were amazing, and attractive beautiful people, and it was quite a shock to the system. I had been raised catholic, but I was never told that being Gay was wrong, but I was still thrown off kilter at this revelation since I knew my mom had been raised a bit stricter in the faith than I had. (My church is more progressive, adopting a mindset of ‘We accept all, it’s not our job to judge’) To put it bluntly, I was mostly fearful of how my mother was going to react.

I remember casually talking to my mom about me being hypothetically gay, and I remember her saying, “Honey, you’ve always had crushes on boys, I don’t think your gay.” Mind you, she didn’t say this with any malice, she was only making a conclusion based on previous information at her disposal about my romantic attractions. I agreed and we moved on, but it was still on my mind.

I then proceeded to a few months later to google what being bi-sexual meant in the middle of the night, under the covers, listening to make sure my parents weren’t going to randomly bust in and catch me. I remember reading about it and realizing that at the time, the bi-sexual label didn’t fit, which brought on a mix of relief/unfulfilled-ness. I then researched intensely the entire following summer and my senior year about everything I could find about different identities in the LGBTQ+ community. I remember coming across the identity “Hetero-flexible,” which is basically when you’re like 20% gay and 80% straight or a variation of percentages, and I suddenly felt good. It felt right, and so I started to say to myself the mantra, “I think I’m Hetero-flexible,” on a daily basis.

I would eventually change the label to pansexual once I started my sophomore year at Shepherd, so last semester, because I met a current friend of mine who was Pan. I always thought being Pansexual meant you had equal preference for every gender identity, but he preferred guys, and I realized I could identify that way and still prefer a specific gender identity, and here we are today!

Unlike Branum, I am SO incredibly close with my mother, so once I seriously started figuring out my sexuality, she received constant updates since I tell her everything. My mother, bless her soul once again, never was anything less than 100% supportive of me as I figured things out, and to this day is still extremely supportive.

However, just like Branum, I am terrified to tell my father about my sexuality. I know he will always love me and be there for me, but I nervous about his reaction. He is the straightest, most masculine man I have ever met, and I’m just flat out not comfortable at this time to tell him. I will eventually, but at the moment, I’m perfectly happy with just my mother, sister, and friends that I trust knowing.

Wooo! That was quite the load I just got off my chest, and if you’ve made it this far, I appreciate and applaud you! As a final thought, I really relate to Branum in feeling so empowered and happy now that I know who I am, and even if my dad doesn’t react how I hope, I know that I’ll be okay. I have my friends, mom, and sister supporting me, and I don’t plan on ever letting someone else tell me my own life. I am strong, I am beautiful, I’m going to love who I’m going to love, and I plan to love deeply whoever catches my eye, and if that isn’t a man, so be it. 😊

That’s all for now, until next time, love y’all and I hope your doing well during this pandemic <3