For the past 4 days, I have been sitting and contemplating not only my life but also contemplating what the hell I was going to write about! My brain is slowly frying itself being stuck inside my house, which makes attempting to do schoolwork almost an impossible task. Why might you ask? Because I have an internal battle of depression, anxiety, fear, but also happiness and peace going on. I mean it is like the final war of Endgame, and I’m telling you what some days, “I don’t feel so good Mr. Stark.” (I AM SORRY, I SAW THE OPPORTUNITY AND I TOOK IT! PLEASE DON’T HATE ME)
With that being said, you’re probably wondering, “Now that you’ve crushed my soul, what does this have to do with any of the readings Kennedy?” And my answer is, very little! But, there is one phrase that Guy Branum says at the end of “The Rules of Enchantment” that made me finally start to understand myself, “I’m doing it because I have always wanted to be a hero, and a hero’s got to have a monster to fight” (231). I have always wanted to be a hero for someone, but more recently I want to become my own hero. I want to be able to say that I was able to fight through my own personal “monsters” and reach the top. However, there is one important thing that Branum forgot to talk about, a true hero can’t fight alone. I mean look at the Avengers series, when did they ever prosper from fighting individually, never. With that being said, I have recognized that while yes, I am capable of fighting my “monsters” myself, it is okay for me to ask for help.
Let me provide you with an example, and I apologize because it is going to get a little sad. In November of 2018, I was up at WVU working my job at Michaels on a Friday night, when I got a call from my mom. Almost instantly I knew something was wrong because she knew I was at work. She called and told me that they believed that my grandfather wasn’t going to make it through the night. My grandfather had been fighting a battle with Alzheimer’s since my freshman year of high school in 2014. Now, I was at work and my boss had asked me what was wrong because I had begun tearing up, and when I told her, she asked why I didn’t ask to go home. My response, “There’s nothing I can do from here, I can’t go home home because I have midterms next week.” So, I worked through my shift but had told my manager there might be a possibility I wouldn’t be in for either of shifts that Saturday and Sunday. So, I drove back to my dorm and I was sitting in my kitchen, hanging out with my roommates and their friends, when at 11:59 pm my phone rang. I looked down and immediately started crying because my caller ID showed “Momma”. I knew instantly what the call was about, but it was confirmed when I answered and all I heard was her crying. My grandfather had passed away. My mother told my roommate to watch out for me because she was worried that I was going to fall back into my depression and not eat. And she did just that. Every time she would make herself food, she would bring some into my room and sit it on my desk. My point is, yes, I could’ve taken care of myself, but if it wouldn’t have been for my mom and my roommate helping me through that time, I honestly believe I would have fallen back into my depression and would’ve possibly dropped out.
The moral of this story is, you can be a hero, you can be your own hero, but you don’t, and you shouldn’t fight your “monsters” alone, because there is always someone who is willing to help.
This is a picture of my grandfather and grandmother (Maternal). They are my best friends and I miss him every day! My grandmother, we call her Nannaw, is the sweetest woman in the world, very stubborn, but sweet! Once this quarantine lifts, I am going and giving her the biggest hug in the world, because it pains me every time I drop groceries off and she stands at the door waving and I can't hug her.
I know right now is a hard time for everyone, as I am also struggling, but if anyone ever needs to talk or just needs a distraction just email me and we can do a Netflix party or a zoom party! My personal email is kennedymurr@gmail.com. You can email me for anything, even if it’s just to say hi! I will always be available!
I can definitely relate that this time is full of stressful and unwanted emotions. As of right now in Maryland, I can't leave my house for something that's not essential or it's a misdemeanor (how fun!). Having to stay in your house physically also puts you in a similar state mentally so I completely understand what you're feeling. Branum's stories and lessons have also helped inspire me in these confusing times.
ReplyDeleteYou can go for walks! Even in MD and VA! Believe me, I checked. Do it. It's good for you.
ReplyDeleteI've found going for nature walks to take photos of wildflowers or just to breathe fresh air has been super helpful to maintaining my sanity. If you need any recommendations on secluded places best suited for social distancing let me know!
ReplyDeleteAs someone who also struggles with anxiety and depression, I really relate to this post. When I decided to get help, (well, I didn't decide, I was forced to get help by my parents, but you get the point) I promised myself that I would never let anyone go through the pain I had felt. I have always been the type of person who would rather take someone else's pain myself than see them suffer. I told myself the reason I was put on this earth, the reason I was experiencing this pain was so that I could help people. You see, it is very hard to understand mental illness if you've never experienced it. I changed my outlook to view my mental illness as a super power. I have this power that can do great harm, but can also be used for a lot of good. I wanted to be a hero for all those struggling--I think it is a large reason that I want to work at the middle school level being that that is when I really began to struggle and that is when many girls begin to struggle. Over time, I kept taking the pain from other people but realized I didn't have anyone to help me. I had to swallow my pride and get help for myself. One super hero is strong on their own, but when you multiply that power, it can be rather unbeatable. Quarantine has me feeling some type of way... sorry (not sorry) for the super long comment. Your post just really hit home for me.
ReplyDeleteI loved this post, and I also really appreciate you letting us all know that you're here for us! I've also mean majorly struggling, but we'll all get through this together--with some fresh air and quiet time each day, and the joy and camaraderie these blogs bring.
ReplyDeleteLove this post and love these comments. You all are wonderful and strong; heroes, all of you.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you did get me right in the heart with that movie reference.
ReplyDeleteI loved your post and I could not relate more with you right now. If it wasn't for my friends who keep checking in on me (via phone) and my grandma who keeps making me cookies, I don't know how I'd make it through right now. I also feel your pain with the whole bringing your grandmother groceries and not being able to hug her. I've been dropping groceries off for my great grandparents outside of their door, and it hurts me when I can't hug them either. We're going to get through this!
I think creating a connection between Branum's work and your own life was a brilliant move! And you added a point of making sure you're not fighting battles on your own, which I hadn't really thought about. I think Branum fought a lot of battles with himself and his identity without any help, so his way of confronting these "monsters" is different; you had a support system when your grandfather passed away, while Branum had no one to help him accept himself for who he was. I think that, in a way, your idea of fighting "monsters" is a healthier option; you can't forget back-up on missions like these. There are a lot of instances where I didn't ask for help and I wish I had, so seeing this story really made me glad that asking for help during stressful and upsetting times isn't seen as a sign of weakness.
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