"Drag her Queen, DRAG HER!"

For this week's blog, I would like to share a video with you guys that I enjoyed watching. Here it goes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MXwE7HXGDU

This is a video of a drag queen Trixie Mattel with Vogue doing her drag makeup, which I find very interesting to watch. First, I want to properly introduce Trixie Mattel and her journey in the drag industry. Trixie Mattel is the drag persona of Brian Firkus who is 30 years of age. Mattel is best known for her win in season three of Rupaul's Drag Race All Stars and finishing up in sixth place for the seventh season of Drag Race. She is a singer/song-writer, TV personel, comedian and CEO of her own cosmetic brand, Trixie Cosmetics. Now, I already had the idea of how they do their makeup because I did my own research and have been watch Rupual's Drag Race for some time now. If you have no idea what the show is about, I will give you the quickest run down. Are you ready? Alright, it is drag queens competing to with one another by doing crazy challenges, walking down the run-way in front of judges like Mama Ru (Rupual himself), Michelle Visage, Ross Matthews, Carson Kressley, Todrick Hall in newer seasons and a special guest judge each episode. Once they give their look for that week's challenge, they judge and determine who's at the bottom two and whoever is at the bottom two would have to "LIP SYNC FOR THEIR LIFES!!" It's incredible! Here's a link to one of the most craziest lip-sync battles: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=it-Z2z3Njgg

The hilarious part of it is that Trixie Mattel herself (in the pink latex suit) was in it and I had no idea. Sadly, she went home and "sashayed away" as Mama Ru calls it, but that is what a lip-sync battle would look like. The reason why I decided to talk about Drag Queens was only because of the small connection between "Camouflage and Plumage". In that chapter, I reading on page 43, when he says, "It was at this point in my life that I was first diagnosed as gay. Not by a physician or a drag queen.." In the discussion we had, I remember talking about it and laughing at the fact that he mentioned how he wasn't diagnosed by a drag queen and knowing their energy and how they act, I found it hilarious. Drag Queens, most times, are gay but there are some who just do it as an alter ego and just have fun with it. I knew someone who was in there 30s working with my father in comedy shows and he did drag for his comedy skit and was hilarious. But outside of the comedy world, his life was pretty normal. He had a wife, a kid, maybe more now since it was years ago, but he just liked it because in his mind not many people do that and it's different and it worked. 

Week 10: Oh. My. Goddessness.

Hello everyone! I've missed seeing you guys and having our in-class discussions. The forum posts are great and all, but it's just not the same! (Maybe it's because of the lack of surprise candy...) I know we are all managing the best we can, and I am so proud of all of us for sticking with everything during this crazy time! From browsing the post titles, I can safely assume that a lot of you are not really doing okay, and I am completely with you on that, but we've got this! In that fighting spirit and in contrast to the sad boi posts I've been seeing (in addition to my messy and depressy forum comments oops), I am going to do something scary and brave and different on here! I am going to actually write my "goddess list" for this week's post. Please know that this will be incredibly painful for me, and if this blog post stops abruptly like mid-sentence, assume that I have passed out on the floor. If any of you saw my comment to the "goddess list" forum post, I basically said "sike nah" to the idea and responded, "actually I am garbage." But I will try this, because I know I (as a proud pessimist) could use some positivity, and this blog could too! 

Here goes nothing... 

1. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! 

2. Okay, now that I have gotten that over with, let's see. I ~suppose~ I am a good writer, at least when I'm not inserting gifs and made-up words into my writing. However, I am now debating this, because it is extremely hard to write and concentrate with the Michael Scott "No" gif on repeat right above what I'm typing. Maybe that wasn't such a good writing decision. 

3. I am an overachiever (but also a procrastinator?), which hurts my soul and my sleep schedule a bit (i.e. writing this at 5am), but the overachieving part comes in handy when doing assignments, papers, and projects. My work is always my very best and as "perfect" as my crazy perfectionist ass can get it. 

4. My singing voice has been described as "angelic" and "pure," which is everything I'm not, but oh well. I forget the fact that I have a nice voice in the music department sometimes, because I am forced to sing a lot of opera arias and classical music that just doesn't fit my voice. I am more of a folk and jazz singer, but no one really knows that. I was going to sing a solo, "The Scarlet Tide" from Cold Mountain, and accompany myself by piano for a concert this semester, but alas, my bad luck has struck again! Ugh, POSITIVE VIBESSSS! 

5. Before quarantine times, I carried three jobs and 22 credit hours with ~grace~, which can be translated to in my pajamas in class and not GAF (giving a f--art (yes, I am a child)). Plus, I am MADE for this quarantine life, hunny. You thought I was lazy, but I was just breaking in my pajamas. ;) 

6. I am a proud mother to a hairy child named Pepper. She is potty-trained, eats well, and her head is much smaller than her body. I allow her to be authentically herself. She is all kinds of sassy and sways when she walks, exuding feline confidence with each step. I aspire to be like her honestly, so I'm so proud to have raised such a fearless woman. Plus, she's like also simultaneously a bat and a dog, so she's wonderfully unique. 

7. I have "pianist fingers," which is cool because the rest of me is quite sausage-like. No self-hate, just spitting facts here haha. (Thanks, Viv, for the idea btw!) 

8. I can no longer see Michael Scott, and my brain has resumed optimal 2% functioning. Let's see...I can be witty? 

9. According to one of my Food Lion managers, I am "the best closer ever." She then followed it up with, "I know it's because you're literally OCD, but I love you for it." Come to Food Lion on a Thursday or Friday night after 10pm (except this week because I had requested off for concerts that I no longer get to be in OOF), and you'll see me scurrying around the registers sweeping, arranging and facing sodas, and stocking each register with a pen and counterfeit detector marker. Everything would be organized the same way at each register, because I'd literally die otherwise. 

10. Lastly, I am a goddess, because even through all of the self-loathing and societal conditioning to hate my body, I am still able to come up with a list of positive things about myself and that's POWERFUL. ~iF i CaN dO iT, yOu cAN tOo!~ 

I'll Be Your Mother

This week, reading Branum's "This Monstrosity" broke my heart. On Twitter and other social media platforms, I see people sharing their stories of coming out, and their parents not being accepting of them. I'm a very empathetic person, and every time I see a story like this I just want to cry. I can't imagine suddenly not loving my child anymore over who they love. I'm from southern West Virginia. We get a bad rap for being a bunch of hicks, behind the times, you name it. I remember last year, Aneyla said to me, "how did you get the way that you are?" I think it just stems from my love for people. I want people to be who they are, and I want to support them in any way I can. I want them to be comfortable in who they are. If that means essentially becoming their mother, I'm down. I've seen Facebook posts with this sentiment. Essentially saying, "if you've come out to your parents and they didn't accept you, I'm your parents now." I love being a shoulder to cry on, and if you need it please reach out to me. Everyone deserves to have someone who's there for them.
The most hurtful part of this piece for me was when Branum said his parents would no longer be a source of financial support for him. Just because he's gay. Why is that the first thing they mention? Is that what would pack the most punch? "Not only do we not love you anymore, but don't ever ask us for money again." I really empathized with him when he said he grew up in a true middle class household, where the first thing you worry about out of the house is how you'll make money.  That's something I've worried about throughout college. I know after this, it's up to me to support myself, and that's okay, but it's scary. It's so expensive to live in this world.
This is a note to my future child, or you if you need it. I remember the moment I realized my parents weren't filthy rich. Growing up, I believe my parents gave me the world, as much as they could. By the time I was 15, I learned that money was always hard for us. I've never been the type to ask for money, but now that I'm older and realize how much "life costs," I hate it even more. The way I see it, the people that gave me life don't owe me anything. They've given me the world as I know it. I still wouldn't change it for anything. My childhood made me who I am, and I'm fortunate to have parents who accept me for who I am, no matter what I know they'll still love me. If that isn't the case for you, know I'm here for you. I want to see you do great things, and I want to see you be yourself. I love you for whoever you are, and please don't forget it. I'm your mom now, and we're in it for the long haul.

I love who I love, so get over it :P

Hey Everyone! I sooooooooo miss being in class to see you all since this class was DEFINITELY my favorite to go to in person. Gosh darn this pandemic!

Anyway, after reading all of these pieces by Branum, his discussion of his sexuality and how he came to terms with it personally and with family has been making me feel really introspective. Its been making me think how I personally relate to this, which is my own journey of my sexuality. So, since I can’t stop thinking about it, I’m gonna write about it. Be prepared, it’s going to be a long one….

Buckle up buttercups, and here we go!

So, my journey unofficially started back in middle school in sixth grade when my best friend and I had a rumor about the two of us being a lesbian couple. At the time, I was fully convinced I was straight, and the only reason the rumor happened was because my friend and I hung out ALL the time and the dude behind it was stupid and mean. My friend’s mom took care of it, the rumor stopped after less than a week, and we all moved on.

The next time something happened was sometime in high school, and I think it was around sophomore year, so I would’ve been 15. I am very affectionate with all of my friends, since I show my love for others through physical touch, so I would regularly hug, hold-hands, and kiss the foreheads/top of their heads of my friends who were comfortable with it. Anyway, me and a very close friend of mine would regularly hold hands in the hallway when we would go to classes together, and we were both in the color guard at our high school. So, the one day when we get to color guard, a few of the girls on the team come up to us and ask, “Hey, are the two of you dating?” The both of us were obviously surprised, and we both said
“no, we’re just friends” while laughing the whole time. We moved on, and I didn’t think anything about it.

The first time I really started to question my sexuality was around junior year of high school, and it wasn’t because I had a crush on a girl or anything. It was because I realized I didn’t find women UN-attractive. Like Branum talks about on page 173, I was wondering if these feelings were real or fantasy, and it was very shocking to realize it was very real. I genuinely thought women and any other gender identification were amazing, and attractive beautiful people, and it was quite a shock to the system. I had been raised catholic, but I was never told that being Gay was wrong, but I was still thrown off kilter at this revelation since I knew my mom had been raised a bit stricter in the faith than I had. (My church is more progressive, adopting a mindset of ‘We accept all, it’s not our job to judge’) To put it bluntly, I was mostly fearful of how my mother was going to react.

I remember casually talking to my mom about me being hypothetically gay, and I remember her saying, “Honey, you’ve always had crushes on boys, I don’t think your gay.” Mind you, she didn’t say this with any malice, she was only making a conclusion based on previous information at her disposal about my romantic attractions. I agreed and we moved on, but it was still on my mind.

I then proceeded to a few months later to google what being bi-sexual meant in the middle of the night, under the covers, listening to make sure my parents weren’t going to randomly bust in and catch me. I remember reading about it and realizing that at the time, the bi-sexual label didn’t fit, which brought on a mix of relief/unfulfilled-ness. I then researched intensely the entire following summer and my senior year about everything I could find about different identities in the LGBTQ+ community. I remember coming across the identity “Hetero-flexible,” which is basically when you’re like 20% gay and 80% straight or a variation of percentages, and I suddenly felt good. It felt right, and so I started to say to myself the mantra, “I think I’m Hetero-flexible,” on a daily basis.

I would eventually change the label to pansexual once I started my sophomore year at Shepherd, so last semester, because I met a current friend of mine who was Pan. I always thought being Pansexual meant you had equal preference for every gender identity, but he preferred guys, and I realized I could identify that way and still prefer a specific gender identity, and here we are today!

Unlike Branum, I am SO incredibly close with my mother, so once I seriously started figuring out my sexuality, she received constant updates since I tell her everything. My mother, bless her soul once again, never was anything less than 100% supportive of me as I figured things out, and to this day is still extremely supportive.

However, just like Branum, I am terrified to tell my father about my sexuality. I know he will always love me and be there for me, but I nervous about his reaction. He is the straightest, most masculine man I have ever met, and I’m just flat out not comfortable at this time to tell him. I will eventually, but at the moment, I’m perfectly happy with just my mother, sister, and friends that I trust knowing.

Wooo! That was quite the load I just got off my chest, and if you’ve made it this far, I appreciate and applaud you! As a final thought, I really relate to Branum in feeling so empowered and happy now that I know who I am, and even if my dad doesn’t react how I hope, I know that I’ll be okay. I have my friends, mom, and sister supporting me, and I don’t plan on ever letting someone else tell me my own life. I am strong, I am beautiful, I’m going to love who I’m going to love, and I plan to love deeply whoever catches my eye, and if that isn’t a man, so be it. 😊

That’s all for now, until next time, love y’all and I hope your doing well during this pandemic <3

Let's Be Kind

I’m sure as we’ve all seen from the forum posts that “Let’s Go Crazy” was my favorite piece from this week. I just felt like it was really relatable. When I was younger up until this past summer, when my parents got divorced, I saw them wear a smile to convince other people were okay. This reminds me of the story he told about his mom smiling, so that people didn’t think his father was yelling at her (29). However, the parts I found most relatable lie within the rest of the chapter.

            Like I said in my forum post about this chapter he says, “”Gay” was the preferred put-down among boys at the time…” (30). I truly do believe this is still an insult, however it’s no longer just used towards people, it is also used for things that people aren’t happy with. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have heard people say “that is so gay” just because something upset them. I mean what is it with people using gay as an insult? It's 2020 shouldn’t we be done using things like that as an insult towards anything. Maybe I’m biased because it’s a group I identify with, but I don’t think anyone should be using any kind of word from another group as an insult. 

            “You work and you never stop working and you never tell anyone, even yourself that you’re working” (31-32). I felt this all the way down deep into my soul. If you read my post a few weeks back it was all about my coming out story. In it I talked about how my mom reacted the first time I tried, she was disgusted, and I told her I was joking. From then on out I worked, I worked every day, to make myself someone I wasn’t to make my mother happy or proud. This also reminds me of Barnum’s chapter “This Monstrosity.” In this chapter he does everything he can to please his parents. The last thing any of us want to be is a disappointment. 

            I think there’s one particular sentence I relate to the most. “You feel love and then your feel shame for feeling love” (32). I think I relate to this because Just like Hannah Gadsby in Nanette I grew up around people who were against me being gay, by people I mostly mean my mother. There have definitely been times in my life where I was ashamed to love someone else because of the things my mother said to me. In high school I was in love with a girl, but I never told her, because I didn’t want to disappoint my family. 

            One of my favorite parts of this reding was when Derek slipped up and called boys cute (35). I loved that Holmes finally had someone he could relate to in his life.

            All I have to say is, that as we get older, we should remember to treat everyone respect. No matter their sexuality, race, gender, etc. Always remember to be kind. If we spread kindness throughout the world the world would be a better place. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.

How's life going?...and also the actual assignment

Mission Log #10, I guess: I haven't posted in almost two weeks now. It's almost the end of my second week at my mom's house in Morgantown, WV, and I'm struggling. Not with classes, if you could believe it-honestly, I feel just as good about them now as I did at the beginning of the semester. Actually, it's the whole "being stuck at home" thing that's got me in a tizzy. I'm a little confused as to how this is supposed to work. I thought that living at my mom's meant I had free reign to do what I normally did, which was not much, really...I mean, not counting the countless extracurriculars that I engaged in, which are all now cancelled, postponed, or meeting over Zoom (shoutout to Delta Zeta and Rotaract for using this wonderful service!).  I suppose my family is also a little confounded as to how the arrangement is supposed to go: I'm supposed to be anti-social and not helpful because I'm upset about leaving campus, and everyone else is supposed to just...adapt, I guess? 

Anyway, I guess everything is fine here. I've downloaded Animal Crossing on my phone. My brother told me the superior version is on the Nintendo Switch, which I don't have. It turns out they are almost $300 and out of stock at every store that sells them. I'm a bit bummed about that, but the less money I owe to Tom Nook, the better. I also finished watching the "Tournament of Champions" on Food Network. I won't spoil who won, but boy, was it wacky! I've never been more hungry and anxious for no reason in all my life!

I'm sitting outside while writing this, which was a mistake. It's forty-six degrees outside and the wind keeps blowing out my grapefruit-scented candle, which is annoying. My fingers are cold, although I suppose that's not new-- my hands are always frigid. Maybe I should take iron supplements? 

Ugh, who am I kidding-- isolation is killing me! These mundane thoughts are driving me nuts! Please, get me out of here!

Well, I suppose I should actually start my blog post for the week. Thanks for entertaining my rambling-- I desperately needed that.

We have read plenty of works by women comedy writers who have basically repeated the same overall message: Women shouldn't be afraid to stand up for better treatment. The only reason women before us didn't succeed in achieving equality with men is because we didn't have the right resources at the time. We are gaining traction, but we have to keep working. This isn't a bad message, by any means. It's hopeful, inspiring, and powerful. It describes the feminist movement perfectly. 

This is where Branum and Sedaris' message diverges with their own interpretation of a movement that is more personal for them: the gay rights movement. They say that gay men have been afraid to demand more rights because they were already in danger. They wanted to survive in a world that already didn’t accept them and asking for more rights was not the way to do it. Now, they have rights, but what does that really mean? Are they actually able to express themselves? Or are they still confined to hiding spaces and very few locations of freedom like before?

It seems that Branum and Sedaris are slightly pessimistic about how their community is faring overall. Sure, Sedaris was happy about the fourteen year old boy in his parents' neighborhood being openly gay without shame ("Road Trips", 64), and Branum is at peace with his sexuality and his life plan ("The Rules of Enchantment"), but it seems they aren't actually sure what to think about the gay community's future. They both grew up during a time when being gay wasn't only something feared by society, it was illegal. Contracting HIV/AIDS was the end of your life, socially and literally. To be openly gay now is incredibly shocking for anyone who had to live during this time.

But after fighting for rights for decades, what exactly did the gay community get in return? Branum mentions the role of George in the movie My Best Friend's Wedding (“The Rage of Caliban”, 122-124). He says that this role was a significant turning point for gay men in movies because of how the character of a gay man was portrayed. Instead of being a villain or a carrier of disease, he was a friend of a character that he knew was doing the wrong thing, but supported her anyway. Instead of being an antagonist, he was a side character that was...well, good.       

Was this enough for Branum? No. And it shouldn't be. Gay culture shouldn't be summarized by a few side-characters in popular movies (and it certainly shouldn't just be represented in Hollywood by Dear, Simon because let's be honest, here: it doesn't represent the vast majority of gay teens who remained in the closet until well after their eighteenth birthdays). But did he enjoy this movie because of George? Yes. Have I seen this movie to confirm that George stole the show? No, but I will at some point during my quarantine, I can guarantee it.

Life Update: I am not sick, but I am not okay either

I am struggling. I highly wish I’d gotten one of those weighted blankets before all of this started because they’re supposed to help with anxiety and mine is through the roof. I’m talking, sleep is pretty much not an option anymore, unless I down some Benadryl tablets. Those have always been great at knocking me out. I even started taking melatonin, the ten milligram ones, because the three milligram ones do absolutely nothing for me. Do I  wake up feeling drowsy? Yes! Do I sleep through the whole night? No! Four to six hours are better than zero though.

I am going to complain about something that I probably shouldn’t, because many people are finding themselves without work right now. My governor deemed homecare workers essential, therefore I must go to work. Which, yes I am one of the people privileged enough to still go to work, and yes I am getting a paycheck, but it also sucks. I am extremely glad I’m not a healthcare worker, but I am also not happy that I am a homecare worker. I work with two boys on the autism spectrum. They are lower functioning and can’t understand why they can’t go to school right now. Due to this, they’re having more behavioral issues, which means I now work forty-hour work weeks. I’m extremely thankful I’m not allowed to go over forty hours a week. Believe me, I feel terrible for the people who can’t go to work right now, but I also simultaneously wish I wasn’t one of them.  

Besides working forty-hour work weeks, I also have five online classes. Which is difficult, but manageable. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself when I realize I have to get done 18 assignments for the week. On top of that, I’m emotionally and mentally drained because I’ve been tugged on, and pulled at, and asked the same three questions, five hundred times within the last seven hours. By the way, that is not an exaggeration. I am exhausted. I do homework, go to work, come home, do more homework, sometimes sleep, and between all of that I eat. Nothing healthy though or anything substantial, unless someone else makes it because I don’t have the time or energy for that.

Mostly I’m sad, because before all of this, I was one of those peoples who genuinely enjoyed their job. This week we read about Branum, and he talks about how he felt when he found comedy. Branum writes, “It was wonderful, it was everything I’d hoped it would be. It was a balm for my soul, it was a give-and-take with the audience. It was sublime” (215). This is the way I felt when I’d first started my job over a year ago. I felt like I’d finally found my true calling, because I was amazing at it. My job is rewarding, and I work with two amazing adolescents. However, lately, it’s been causing me more stress than happiness, because I never know what I’m headed into. I hope and pray for good days, because we used to have ninety-five percent good days. Now we have thirty-five percent good days. Currently, my job just causes me more stress and anxiety than I already had before. It means I have less time to do the eighteen assignments per week, than I had when I was working twenty-five hours per week. It means I’m risking getting sick, and bringing the virus home to my sixty-four-year-old grandfather, who only has one lung. It means I’m consistently as anxious as I am exhausted.

I’m sure some of you are thinking, well Brittany if it’s that bad why don’t you just quit? I know because it had crossed my mind too. Only I can’t quit, it’s not really an option. I mean technically I can, but I’m expected to slowly wean myself out of their lives when I leave this job, to make the transition easier. I would have to actually be heartless to quit right now during a time when there’s already so much confusion for them. Not to mention the fact that my coworker would be left to pick up the pieces, and if it were the other way around, and he did that to me, I would have a strong urge to hit him with my car. So, I’m going to continue going to work, and suck it up, and stop complaining about it. Mostly, because I understand there are people who have it worse than me right now, but also because I know eventually it will get better. I hope you are not one of those people, and everyone in your life is healthy. I am also truly sorry for those of you who can’t work and need to. I hope you can soon.