Week 9: Memento mulier

In David Sedaris' "Memento Mori," he describes the odd “relationship” and one-sided conversations he has with the skeleton he gifted his husband. This skeleton constantly reminds him, "'You are going to die,'" and effectively creeps him out (Sedaris 155). Although Sedaris does not explicitly explain the connection to this chapter's title, "memento mori” is the idea that this skeleton reminds him of his inevitable death. "Memento mori" is Latin for "remember you must die" and describes objects in artwork or everyday life that remind people of their mortality ("Memento mori"). I was going to attempt to discuss some things in my life that are memento mori, but I came up empty. Of course, I get the occasional existential thought that I am going to die one day, much like anyone else. However, I am not reminded of that fact or worry about it often enough to have objects in my life that serve as memento mori. With that being said, I thought about how I could still discuss this idea. After some brainstorming, I came up with "memento mulier," which is loose Latin, courtesy of Google Translate, for "remember you are a woman." There are a number of objects and experiences in my day-to-day life that remind me that I am female, or the "lesser sex." Thus, with this blog post, I would like to share a short list of "memento mulier," or things that tell me I am a woman. 

My Memento mulier 

1. The expensive feminine hygiene products I buy every month 

This memento has to do a bit with nature and the biology of being a woman, but it also deals with inequality. On International Women's Day, I saw an Instagram post titled "If men had to pay for toilet paper." This video included a very interesting experiment in which men had to pay for toilet paper in a restroom, much like women have to pay for tampons (if they are even available). If the men did not have any quarters, they had to post about period rights for women (Okamoto). Here is a link to the video if you would like to watch it. I absolutely loved it! 

https://www.instagram.com/p/B9eTfD9nDZA/  

2. I am told to smile while minding my own business. 

Being told to smile is a near exclusive thing that happens to women. (I honestly doubt any guy has been asked to smile by another man or a woman in this way.) It does not discriminate where you are or what you are doing either. I was even asked to smile while completely zoned out around 10pm at Food Lion with no customers. This old man walked by me and told me to smile, in a very sassy way too, even though I was extremely tired and also not even paying attention out of sheer boredom due to how slow it was that evening. As I am typing all of this out, trying to defend why I was not already smiling, I realize that there is something else that reminds me I am a woman... 

3. I constantly feel the need to explain myself, especially if I am doing something "unladylike." 

Just like I was defending why I was not smiling for this creep, I am often explaining myself as a woman. If I am ever in a position of power, which is a feat in itself, I am apologetic or constantly explaining why I am "being bossy." Similarly, I am so afraid of appearing unladylike, that I overcompensate by always adding explanation points to my sentences to seem happy or refraining from vulgar language to seem sweet and virginal. 

4. The fad diet coffee I bought for an outrageous price 

I once bought an embarrassing number of bags of "Keto coffee" in an effort to lose weight. The stress of college and life in general made me gain weight, and I am currently very unhappy with my body.  Society grooms us women to hate our bodies anyway, weight fluctuation or not. Instagram accounts that make money off of vulnerable young women preyed on me, and I ended up buying this weight loss product from one of them. The coffee did not help and was a giant waste of money. FYI this keto coffee tastes disgusting on a whole new level and is basically like drinking liquified butter and dirt. It is great. 

5. Sexist pigs in general 

The sexist pigs I have to deal with, especially at work, remind me the most that I am a woman. I would not have to listen to rude misogynistic comments or marriage proposals from COMs (creepy old men) if I was male. Similarly, I would not have to worry about my safety when certain older men come into the store that have a history with sexual harassment. These kinds of men remind me daily that I will always be treated as a sexual object and a sounding board for their hideously out-of-date viewpoints and ideals. 

In addition to these main "memento mulier," there are littler objects that remind me of being a woman that include but are not limited to: my pepper spray, my spanx, demeaning social media posts, articles, magazines, and other forms of entertainment, my future pay check that will most likely be less than my male coworkers, and catcalls. There are so many more, and I encourage you to share some of yours in the comments. The strongest thing we have as women is solidarity, and I believe that our unity can beat any of the constant reminders that we are not enough. Together we are everything. 

Works Cited 

“Memento mori– Art Term.” Tate, 1 Jan. 1997, www.tate.org.uk/art/art-terms/m/memento-mori. 

Okamoto, Nadya. "If men had to pay for toilet paper." Instagram, https://www.instagram.com/p/B9eTfD9nDZA/. 

Sedaris, David. "Memento Mori." When You Are Engulfed in Flames. Little, Brown and Company, 2008, p. 155. 

What Not to Talk About

Vagina. That's the word Phoebe Robinson says makes people "act like they have ants in their pants when they hear it" (109). Women are supposed to be reserved, collected, and professional, meanwhile I don't have enough fingers to count the number of ball-scratches I've seen on the EPTA today. Boys are comfortable talking about their genitalia by the time they're in middle school. Hell, they COMPARE SIZES by the time they're in middle school. Condoms are given out like candy at Halloween, commercials for Viagra come on so frequently you'd think they're going out of style, and male birth control was discontinued because the participants got headaches. :'( There's the only tear you'll ever see me shed about that. 

I was disappointed when I saw a headline in the Washington Post about a post partum ad that was supposed to run during the Oscars this year but was rejected for being "too graphic." The commercial is for a company called Frida Mom that makes products specifically for recovery after giving birth. What was deemed "too graphic" is the reality for many women after creating a human. I saw this ad shared on Facebook and the top 20 comments were mothers explaining how helpful it would have been to have these products after they'd given birth, but they didn't know about them. This got me asking the question: why aren't we talking about it more? I realized there's a lot of things I've been told not to talk about, so here's a brief list of me talking about them anyway.

1. Periods. The first time I got my period, before I learned how to properly use a tampon, I learned not to talk about it. Even though this is a process that happens to most women monthly for 45 years of their life, it is still taboo to discuss. The amount of times I have said "ugh my cramps are so bad today" and heard "WOOOAAAHHHH TMI! I don't need to know about all that!" is... atrocious. Even in my high school, girls were taught not to discuss their periods. The nurse's office had a box full of cardboard (ugh) tampons available for girls who needed them. The box had a big dot on it, you know, like a period. And the dot was red. You know, like blood. Ha ha ha. The whole point of the box was that girls could come in and take one without having to say out loud "do you have any tampons?" because there could be a boy within earshot and they CAN'T KNOW I BLEED. 

2. Preventing babies. Listen here, one of the biggest scams of my lifetime is the accessibility of condoms and ridiculous price for birth control. Here's a fun tidbit to get to know me better: my OB/GYN scheduled me to have my birth control implant replaced after 2 years and 363 days. Unfortunately for me, my insurance company only covers it once every 3 years, so I have a bill for $1,200 in collections. TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS to avoid a pregnancy. But condoms are thrown out like confetti. Don't get me wrong, I am glad condoms are accessible, but they also break and many people have latex allergies. The real issue here is that I can't talk about it. I am not supposed to mention birth control to men, even my dad, because then they would know I could be having sex. What a sin that would be. I love watching shows about teen pregnancy and almost every single teenage couple says "we just never really talked about birth control" followed by a giggle, because they feel uncomfortable. It's a shame how many accidents have happened because people wanted to avoid an "awkward" discussion with their partner, or they didn't feel comfortable enough to ask their parents how to get on birth control. 

3. Having babies. The dialogue around pregnancy, labor, birth, post-partum, breastfeeding, and women's anatomy in general is often kept closed. Before I ever let my boyfriend touch me, I made him learn and explain ovulation to me. I made him learn what a fallopian tube and a placenta are. A 20 year old, regardless of gender, should know the anatomy of a reproductive system, especially if they are sexually active. Why are we so afraid to talk about these things? Why are we scared to have an awkward moment? So many mothers do not breastfeed because they're AFRAID to ask about it. They don't want to bring it up because its uncomfortable. 

We have to open discussions about these things because they're relevant and important to everyday life. No woman should feel like her biology must be kept a secret as not to upset the other people in the room. I can't even imagine how much I, as well as other girls, would have benefitted from being able to speak freely and openly about my period, birth control, and pregnancy. When celebrities like Amy Schumer speak on these topics, they're commended for being so courageous. I hope that one day speaking on these subjects will no longer be viewed as "bold" or "brave," it will be normal. 

Shammas, Brittany. “This Ad Is a Raw Look at Postpartum Life. The Oscars Rejected It for Being Too Graphic.” The Washington Post, WP Company, 10 Feb. 2020, www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2020/02/10/oscars-rejected-postpartum-ad/.